The Internet is home to literally hundreds of web sites! I’m an old pro who long ago put away the pamphlet of URLs from the library, and started branching out by randomly typing brand names I know into Netscape. Here’s my guide to the best “hot” sites.

1. Mamma: There are so many search engines out there, but which is the best one? Mamma solves the problem by searching them all at once.
2. Ask Jeeves: Usually worthless, except they led me to Klingon porn once so now I come here every week or so to look at that again.
3. Kelloggs.com: The first URL I ever typed into a computer. They have different sites for different countries, and at night they make the page go dark blue!
4. Bolt.com: A cool site for teens! There are forums on all kinds of issues teens have to face. I’ve spent two months trying to learn which board was best for initiating cybersex.
5. Yahoo Games: The best place to play chess against someone cheating by replicating all your moves in a game against their computer, then using their computer’s moves on you.
6. Yahoo! Internet Life: A magazine, not a site, but the top source of inspiration for my web browsing.
7. Ass Gallery: My favorite porn aggregator. I asked my friend Jake what his is, and he gave me a complicated answer about some similar site called Ask Allery, which I could never find. Years later he’ll explain that he’s actually gay and couldn’t think of a name for a straight porn site.
8. Geocities: My homepage is in Area 51, as any cool person’s would be. I post pages about quantum theory and Michael Crichton to show I’m smart and well-read. Until I find:
9. Blogger: Where I blog under the name Dilbit, a combination of my favorite comic Dilbert and “Bit,” a little comic I draw myself in the first five pages of soon-abandoned notebooks.
10. h2g2: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy — a jokey encyclopedia inspired by the books of the same name. I’m sure this will last longer than that boring version at Wikipedia, because why would someone want to read a jokeless encyclopedia online instead of just looking in a real book one?