The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can read it all on one page. Everything below is from Facebook. Kinda.
4. Registration and Account Security
People on here use their real names and information, which is the whole fucking point of Facebook, and we’d like to keep it that way. So when you sign up, here’s what you can and can’t do so we know that you’re who you say you are.
- Okay. So, obviously, don’t make shit up. Duh. Also, don’t make shit up for other people. I give zero fucks about how hilarious your biology teacher is; maybe you’re thinking, the world just needs to know. No we don’t. So don’t make a Facebook for him without his permission.
- One Facebook per person. We know how much time you spend on here; you don’t need a second profile. Fucking trust us.
- If your Facebook is down, we didn’t do it for shits and giggles. You fucked up, and now you have to sit in the corner like a child. Except here, that means don’t make a new Facebook until we say you can.
- Your Facebook is not your own personal billboard for you to sell space on however you please. We’re not saying your profile isn’t an engine for monetary gain! You should see how much we make off of it. We’re just saying you can’t profit from it.
- 13 years old or GTFO.
- No convicted sex offenders; if you’re not allowed near a playground, you’re not allowed on Facebook.
- Make sure you keep your shit up to date, so that if people try to call you they’re not calling the Guatemalan lady who got your old phone number. She’s got enough to worry about, don’t you think?
- You’ll notice when you type your password, we don’t show the actual characters. Know why? Because that shit is supposed to be a fucking secret, that’s why. So don’t go handing out your password like singles in a strip club on payday; you’re the only person who should be able to get into your Facebook. Keep it that way.
- Maybe you decide you want to give away your profile, or maybe you quit your job and you want to give someone else the Page you run. You don’t own that shit, motherfucker, we do. So don’t give it away unless we say you can. In writing. Bitch.
- We’ll let you pick a username! That way, you can make simple links to your page instead of copying and pasting some 500-letter code written in a half-dead language. You’re fucking welcome. Don’t go abusing that privilege by picking obscene words or taking business names, or we’ll send you right back to typing out Quechua.
5. Protecting Other People’s Rights
We, uh, heh, we respect people’s rights. Heh heh. *Ahem*. Sorry. Seriously though. We do. And you should too.
- Don’t put shit up that fucks with other people’s rights. Also, fuck you for making us spoonfeed you this instead of relying on common sense.
- Seriously, we’re not joking about that last one. If you post shit that we think breaks these rules, we will terminate it with the extremest of prejudice. Oh, sure, you can appeal, and, uh, yup, says right here, that’ll definitely be a completely fair process.
- Okay, look. We’re not bad guys, just a little strict. If you legit think people are taking your intellectual property (besides us, of course. Seriously, thanks again for letting us use it however we want, we really appreciate that) check out this page.
- Infringe on people’s rights once, shame on you. Infringe twice, and we’ll delete your page so fast even your Myspace won’t want you back.
- Hey, you see that logo up there in the corner? Pretty cool, huh? Yup. We made that! And a bunch of other trademarks, too. And, uh, no. You can’t use it, or anything that looks even remotely like it. We don’t want people thinking that we’re associated with you, now, do we?
- There’s a lot of information in here about a lot of people. Useful stuff, information, right? Well, you can’t have it, unless you tell everyone exactly how you’re going to use it and make sure they okay it. Who do you think you are, us?
- As much as we love having your shit easily accessible, even we have our limits. Don’t put IDs or sensitive financial shit up here; this isn’t a CIA database. As far as we know.
- Yeah, we’ve made it super easy for you to invite your friends and to tag them in pictures and shit. So easy, you’d think we want you to invite them. You might even be tempted to do it. But don’t, unless you have their permission. Don’t email anyone an invite to Facebook until you have their permission. No, go ahead, we don’t mind if you email them to ask for permission to email them. We’ll just wait over here.
- If you think we’re dicks, you should try dealing with phone companies. We let you use our shit on phones for free; they’re the ones charging you to get text messages.
- Let us know when you change your number, so we’re not calling you all worried when you don’t respond to our texts. Besides, you don’t want mischievous Guatemalan Grandma changing your profile remotely.
- We let people sync their phones with FB, because we live in the motherfucking future. Which means if you don’t want your creepy-ass lab partner to have your number, make sure he can’t see it. Don’t blame us when you start getting phone calls with heavy breathing.
7. Payments and Deals
If you use Facebook to complete a transaction, you agree to let us control a whole bunch more shit, including pretty much every aspect of that transaction you can possibly imagine. It’s, uh, it’s for your own safety.
8. Special Provisions Applicable to Share Links
We have this really cool thing that just lets people post your shit from anywhere on the web directly to their Facebook! And we don’t even mind if you use it. And all you have to do is let your content be on Facebook. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I mean, if you put the ‘Share’ button on your site and don’t want people sharing your stuff, you fucked up anyway. Just, you know, make sure none of your shit breaks these rules, or we’ll take the button away and no one wins.