The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can also read the whole thing on one page. Everything below is from Facebook. Kinda.
- We can change any of these rules as long as we let you know, and give you a chance to comment on the change. We’ll give you a heads up over on this page, as long as you become a fan. And really, who isn’t a fan of Facebook Site Governance?
- Okay, look. Some of these sections really are important. Sections 7, 8, 9, and 11 involve money, for example, so we’ll give you a minimum of three days’ notice. For all other changes we will give you a minimum of seven days’ notice. Why would we give you more notice for the shit that doesn’t involve money changing hands? C’mon. Think about it. You know why.
- Facebook is all about you! So if 7,000 of you people complain about a proposed change, then we’ll let you vote on what we should do instead, even though we come up with the alternatives we propose to you, and they might all suck even more. Does that vote even matter? Absolutely! As long as you get 30% of active users to vote. So, just, uh, round up 210 billion of your closest friends and get them involved!
- Obviously, if we’re making changes for legal reasons, or because it makes it easier for us to administrate, we don’t have to tell you shit. We’re not going to put it to a fucking vote every time our lawyers are like, “Hey guys, I think this comma should go over there.” We know you, Internet; you’re fucking terrible about commas.
If you violate this Statement, we can shut your shit down permanently. What do we mean by violate? Well maybe you did something everyone is down with, but it’s still technically a violation, the worst kind of violation. That counts. But also, if it’s not clear that it’s a violation because of some legalese bullshit, but we’re like, “Yeah, we meant that you’re not allowed to do that. It doesn’t say that you’re not allowed, but, you know, clearly we didn’t want you doing that shit.” That also counts. So basically, just don’t fuck around on the edge, because it turns out we’re patrolling both sides of that border, kids. Maybe you don’t violate these rules at all, but you come up with some new and creative way to make shit difficult for us. How? We don’t know, otherwise we’d have a rule about it. We’re not the fucking criminal masterminds here. If any of this shit goes down, we’ll email you, or else the next time you try to log in, your shit will be gone. And you’ll know. Oh, you’ll know. You can also delete your own shit whenever. We’re not trying to hold you hostage. No matter what, though, once your profile is gone, these rules go away. Uh, except for the ones that don’t, which is most of them: 2.2, 2.4, 3-5, 8.2, 9.1-9.3, 9.9, 9.10, 9.13, 9.15, 9.18, 10.3, 11.2, 11.5, 11.6, 11.9, 11.12, 11.13, and 14-18. Basically, all that shit about “hey, even once your profile is gone, we can still use your stuff!!”
- Where do you live? No, just kidding. We don’t give a fuck. Any legal action you want to take at all will be resolved in Santa Clara County under the law of the State of California. Study up, I guess?
- If someone else takes legal action against us because of some shit you did on Facebook, holy fuck, bro. You are in so much fucking trouble. To start, you’re going to pay back our legal costs, and you’re going to make sure we don’t take a hit because of this. Don’t fuck up on Facebook is what I’m saying – you’re on your own. We’ll cut your ass off like you’re Jason Bourne without the skills.
- LEGALLY WE’RE REQUIRED TO YELL THIS PART BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING IMPORTANT. THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE TELL YOU THAT WE DO OUR BEST TO NOT HAVE BROKEN SHIT BUT WE CAN’T MAKE ANY PROMISES OR GUARANTEE ANYTHING AT ALL. WE DON’T EVEN PROMISE THAT USING FACEBOOK IS SAFE SO IF YOU GET AXE-MURDERED BECAUSE OF SOME SHIT YOU DID ON FACEBOOK THAT’S NOT ON US WE TRIED TO WARN YOU WE EVEN YELLED IT. WE CAN’T PROMISE THAT ANYTHING ANYONE DOES ON FACEBOOK IS COOL AND SOMETIMES BROS ARE DICKS SO IF A COMPANY SCREWS YOU OR WHATEVER USING FACEBOOK YOU WON’T SUE US OR OUR EMPLOYEES OR ANYONE INVOLVED WITH US AT ALL ESPECIALLY OUR GRANDPARENTS THAT WOULD BE A DICK MOVE. IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA THEY HAVE THIS SPECIAL LAW WHERE IF YOU GIVE UP YOUR GENERAL RIGHTS TO CLAIMS YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR RIGHTS TO CLAIMS THAT YOU COULDN’T HAVE KNOWN ABOUT WELL GUESS WHAT YOU GIVE THOSE UP TOO SO SUCK IT. IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG AND YOU LOSE PROFITS OR TAKE DAMAGES OR WHATEVER THAT’S NOT ON US EITHER EVEN IF WE KNEW IN ADVANCE WE MIGHT FUCK SHIT UP SO DON’T THINK WARNING US WILL HELP BECAUSE IT WON’T. AT MOST WE’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AMOUNT THAT YOU’VE PAID US IN THE LAST YEAR NOT A PENNY MORE UNLESS YOU PAID US LIKE THIRTY-FIVE BUCKS IN WHICH CASE WE’LL ROUND OFF TO A HUNDRED DOLLARS BECAUSE THAT’S ALL ZUCKERBURG HAS IN HIS WALLET ANYWAYS. SOME PLACES HAVE LAWS THAT DON’T LET US LIMIT DAMAGES LIKE THIS WHICH FUCKING SUCKS BUT MAYBE THIS DOESN’T APPLY TO YOU. IF THAT’S THE CASE THEN WE’RE ONLY LIABLE FOR LITERALLY AS LITTLE AS THE LAW FORCES US TO BE BECAUSE WHY WOULD WE WANT TO BE LIABLE FOR MORE THAT’S JUST FUCKING RETARDED.
16. Special Provisions Applicable to Users Outside the United States
We’re all about one big human family and all that bullshit, but we also try to respect the rules wherever you live. You know how much we love rules. So here’s the deal if you’re not in America:
- Obviously you let us transfer your shit to America for processing. We’re not setting up a server in every backwoods country where people want Facebook. Otherwise we’d have to put servers in all the backwoods countries there are, because who doesn’t want us?
- If America isn’t trading with your country for whatever reason, maybe your ruler is a dick, maybe you bombed one of our buddies, who knows, or else if the Department of Treasury says you personally can’t trade with America, then you can’t trade with us or do anything on our system to make money. We’re not trying to fuck with embargoes, here.
- Germany, you guys have some fucked up laws, and we have extra-special rules for you guys here.
- By “Facebook” we mean all the shit on our website, and also all the shit that we’ve branded with our logo or translated or made for phones and tablets and whatever, also the like buttons you see on other pages and anything you can download or will be able to download in the future. If you think it might be part of Facebook, but you’re not sure, it’s probably part of Facebook.
- By “Platform” we mean all the shit that lets you people make your shit interact with Facebook.
- By “information” we mean stuff about you. All the stuff about you. So much stuff about you.
- By “content” we mean uploaded stuff that’s related to you that’s not necessarily about you, basically anything that’s not information.
- By “data” we mean content and information that people can put on Facebook or get from Facebook using the Platform.
- By “post” we mean post on Facebook or post that we can see some other way, maybe through an app. Just… all the posts. That’s what we mean by “post”.
- By “use” we mean use, copy, publicly perform or display, distribute, modify, translate, and create derivative works of.
- By “active registered user” we mean anyone on Facebook in the last 30 days, all those addicts out there who constantly need their fix.
- By “application” we mean anything that accesses Platform, plus anything that gives us data or takes data from us. Maybe you shut your shit down and it doesn’t access Platform anymore; doesn’t matter. You’re still bound by the application guidelines until you get rid of the data we’ve given you, so don’t think you can hoard that shit and skirt the rules.
- If you live in the US or Canada, then you’re dealing with Facebook, Inc. If you’re anywhere else, you’re dealing with Facebook Ireland Limited. Yeah, Ireland, because those fuckers are too busy getting drunk to really have tight laws. That’s not a dig, we fucking love those guys. They’re cool as shit. So when we say “we”, “us, “our”, all those vague group words, we mean one of those two companies, whichever applies to your region.
- This statement is the entire agreement we have. There were some old versions that had different rules, we know, but that shit doesn’t matter at all anymore. Literally no other agreement we’ve ever had before this one matters anymore. This is it.
- If some court somewhere decides that something we said is some bullshit or whatever, and we can’t make it work, that doesn’t mean the whole agreement goes out the window. Literally everything except the one part that doesn’t work stays in effect.
- Maybe you’ll break one of these rules like a dickhead, but since we’re cool and all, we’ll let it slide a couple of times. That does not mean that the rules no longer matter, or that we’ve decided you don’t have to follow that rule, it just means we’re not assholes. Don’t take advantage of our good will; we can start enforcing this again whenever the fuck we like and we will bring the rain if you make us.
- If we do decide you don’t have to follow one of these rules for whatever reason, or if we change these rules, it sure as fuck better be in writing from us. Don’t be calling Mark when he’s tired and trying to get him to agree to some shit at midnight or whatever; it won’t count. That fucker loves his sleep.
- We’ve given you some rights, and told you that you have to take care of some shit for us. Don’t try to get someone else to take care of that shit, and don’t be like, “Hey Facebook, you know that thing you said I could do? I’m letting this guy do it for me.” Your rights and obligations don’t transfer without our permission, also in writing.
- We can transfer our rights and obligations whenever we want. Deal with it.
- We’re going to follow the law. So don’t be like, “Hey, Facebook, I know that’s a subpoena and everything, but, I mean, the Agreement.” Fuck the Agreement if the police come knocking.
- This is an agreement between you and us. Third parties don’t get any rights to benefit or anything. Focus up.
- Follow the fucking law.
That’s the end. Now go read the rest.