Age 4: Joey, we’ve been over this several times: Daddy’s not going to be able to find you a new Mommy if you keep changing his match.com interests to “poop.”
Age 15: Are people seriously not allowed to put up naked pictures on these things? Bullshit. Let’s go back to Redtube.
Age 20: Hey, let’s start a fake profile for Kevin. You know, the douche from Sig Chi! Here, I’ll get us started. Interests: “Being a douche.” Haha, classic!
Age 23: Nah, I don’t think online dating is for me. I’ve got enough great pickup lines to meet people the old-fashioned way. Check it out: “Hi! Nice tits.” See? I’ll be fine.
Age 26: You know, it’s probably not that big of a deal if I just join OKCupid. That one doesn’t cost anything. Plus, it’ll be a good chance to laugh at all the weirdos out there. Hey, yeah, that’s the only reason why I’m doing this! To laugh at people!
Age 28: Wow. I really miss college.
Age 33: How long until it’s considered awkward to talk to your high school prom date? Is it more or less than 16 years? Oh, fuck it. I’m signing up with eHarmony.
Age 39: If I have to deal with one more teenaged punk pretending to be Emma Stone, I am going to seriously consider switching to Match.com.
Age 45: If I have to deal with one more teenaged punk pretending to be Mila Kunis, I am going to seriously consider switching back to eHarmony.
Age 52: Screw this. I’m just going to go out to a bar tonight and meet people the old fashioned way!
Age 52.1: You know what? It’d probably be easier to just update my profile picture. I didn’t look that different at age 28.
Age 57: I didn’t look that different at age 22, either.
Age 65: Did you know that when I was younger, I thought I was going to be an astronaut? Ah, whatever. Let’s see if Catherine messaged me back yet.
Age 72: Good news! I’ve actually been going on a lot more first dates lately! On the other hand, I’ve also gotten pretty senile lately. It’s possible those were all with the same person.
Age 76: No way! Chester left his “Dating for Seniors” profile open! Let’s mess with it! Here, I’ll get us started. Interests: “Poop. At least, it was back when I could still control it!” Haha, classic!
Photo by Yuri Arcurs, licensed on Fotolia