In this column we explore the endless world of things that cost the same on eBay. Even though these items may cost the same, some are more (nominally) valuable than others. We’ll help you decide which ones to purchase.
Growing up in HOLLYWOOD, celebrity culture comes as second nature to me. I’m an expert when it comes to AUTOGRAPHS. I’ll show you how to buy signatures from C-list celebrities for $6.55 when they’re really worth $7.50! With the money you save, you’ll be able to finally purchase that taquito you had fleeting thoughts about it in line at the gas station!
Things that Cost the Same on eBay: Celebrity Edition!
- Tim Conway & Eriq LaSalle for $9.95. Go with Tim Conway, if only because Eriq LaSalle is no longer rocking this very impressive Lionel Richie Jheri curl.
- George Carlin vs. Penn Jillette for $14.99. Carlin is obviously the better comedian, but Penn is rarely seen without Teller. The realization that they are not conjoined twins will at least make this autograph double in value.
- Peter Falk vs. Don Knotts for $25.00. Purchase both of them! I’m not sure how TV shows get made in heaven, but God please consider green-lighting a show featuring these two bumbling crime fighters.
- Laura Prepon vs. Darth Maul for $14.99. I feel bad for both of their careers.
- Jack Palance vs. Cheryl Ladd for $79.95. Who cares if you don’t know who these celebrities are, these are signed checks we’re talking about here! Accounting for inflation, that $50 check from 1982 is worth $115! That’s good money! All you have to do is find a bank that is willing to account for inflation and allows you to cash checks that don’t have your name on them.
- George Burns vs. Captain Kangaroo for $49.95. Captain Kangaroo has a cooler haircut, cooler haircuts always increase the value of the autograph.
- Bob Denver vs. Danny Aiello for $9.99. Chill-ass Gilligan or the bro who started a race riot in Do the Right Thing? This one is a no-brainer.
- Yeardley Smith vs. Redd Foxx for $45.00. The voice of Lisa Simpson may be intelligent, self-reliant and well-rounded, but she didn’t revolutionize the “I’m having a heart attack” joke.
- Mark Paul Gosselaar vs. Bicycle Zombie for $19.99. Personally I think you should invest in both of these as inspiration for that pilot you’re trying to pitch: Saved By The Bell: The Dead Class.
- Ray Bradbury vs. Suzanne Somers for $29.99. Suzanne Somers’ autograph is worth more, but if you buy both of them you’ll be inspired to write a short story about a society that burns their Thighmasters.
- Gillian Anderson vs. Megan Fox for $40.00. Buy Gillian Anderson’s autograph, the X-Files star respectfully accept flowers from nerds better than Megan Fox.
- Nicolas Cage vs. Len Lesser, Uncle Leo from Seinfeld, for $0.95. This is tough because I love both Con Air and Seinfeld. I also love 95¢ gas station taquitos, and I’m kind of hungry right now.
- Robin Williams as Mrs. Doutbfire vs. Cindy Crawford for $14.99. This scenario has Don Juans going crazy. They can never decide which babe is hotter. Many will just go with the Mrs. Doubtfire autograph because she doesn’t have a mole.
- Cher vs. Alan Rickman for $25.00. If you truly believe in life after love than you’ll buy this autograph and forsake that questionable Snape.
- Lance Henriksen vs. Damon Wayans for $9.99. The dude from Aliens or the dude from Blankman? This is pretty easy. Since Damon Wayans comes from a clan of entertainers (much like the Baldwins) his signature will be in higher demand because people searching for Marlon Wayans will stumble across this, whereas nobody is searching for Lance Henriksen’s brother on eBay. (They buy his famous ceramic figurines directly from his Etsy shop.)
- Dick Van Patton vs. Martin Mull for $9.99. Two equally funny sidekicks from television history. Since this is truly a tie, we have to yield to the “Law of More Syllables Equals Better Value.” With a whopping four syllables in his name, we recommend the Dick Van Patton autograph.
- Betty White vs. Kristy Swanson for $49.99. Well the internet never orchestrated a campaign to have Kristy Swanson host Saturday Night Live, did they?
- Greer Garson vs. Danny McBride for $89.99. I have no idea who Greer Garson is, but I’m sure her “Commedia dell’Asshole” lacks the nuance that McBride’s marinates in. This is an expensive purchase so consider re-auctioning that Jack Palance signed check and using the proceeds to buy this Danny McBride signature.
- Dan Aykroyd vs. Eddie Murphy for $14.99. These are tough decisions. Do you prefer Saturday Night Live from 1975 – 1979 or 1980 – 1984? Blues Brother or Mr. Robinson? Weekend Updater or Gumby? Conehead or Buckwheat? If you are still at a loss, and are entirely unfamiliar with SNL before the nineties, uh, here’s a $75.00 Will Ferrell autograph.
- Jerry Lee Lewis vs. Arthur C. Clarke for $29.99. Go with the Jerry Lee Lewis autograph, because you prefer someone who sings about “Great Balls of Fire” to someone who discovers the origin of great balls of fire.