It is my belief that every family has a serial email forwarder. A person that doesn’t realize that we groan every time we see the “FWD:FWD:FWD:” in the subject line. A person that wants us to know the truth about Obama’s upbringing in the slums of Terrorism-stan. A person who has cute pictures of a co-worker’s kittens that you just have to see. Yes, we all have this relative.
I like my Uncle Larry. He’s crazy, but the kind of crazy that’s adorable. He wears shirts without sleeves and thinks Crocs are super comfortable.
(My Uncle Larry also likes to invent things. He decided to use his inventive spirit to solve two problems at once. First, the scurry of squirrels wreaking havoc on his landscaping. Also… he hates his next door neighbor.
Thus, the ingenious ”Squirrel-a-pult” was born. It is a devious device that lures squirrels to it with tasty acorns. Once the furry pest is in position, he springs the trap and the squirrel is flung violently into the neighbor’s yard.)
Uncle Larry is our family’s serial email forwarder. He fears that if he does not send these messages to everyone, he will be smote by God.
Below is his most recent email forward.
Look at this closely. The President of Argentina received this picture and called it “junk mail.” 8 days later his son died.
A man received this picture & immediately sent out copies. His surprise was winning the lottery.
Alberto Martinez received this picture, gave it to his secretary to make copies but they forgot to distribute: She lost her job & he lost his family.
GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU, It shall be well with you this coming year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, they will not succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year.
Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings, sorrows and pain. I knocked at heaven’s door this morning, God asked me, “My child! What can I do for you?”
I said, “Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message …”
This is a Novena from Mother Theresa that started in 1952 … It has never been broken. Within 48 hours send 20 copies. If you don’t, God will not prevent your suffering.
Being me, I couldn’t resist creating a response and hitting “Reply All.”
This is a rare image of Tickles, the eternal kitten of Jesus Christ. This holy feline never ages and always remains in kitten state. He was given to Jesus by God as a thank you gift for dying and stuff. Those who look upon Tickles will be immediately gobsmacked by his brilliant furry aura and entranced by his adorable nature.
The Supreme Leader of North Korea was sent this image of Tickles and refused to forward it to his friends and family. 8 days later he ended up with a lesbian haircut and a strong desire to drink urine from a wine glass.
Another man was emailed Tickles and immediately posted it to his Twitter, Facebook, and even Google+. That weekend he won a church raffle that included a cheese of the month membership, a luxurious handmade quilt, and $50 in free bingo.
A man named Ralph Simmons received Tickles from his Aunt Myrtle. He attempted to print out 20 copies to pass around the office, but he was having network connectivity problems. He called Rick, the IT guy, but Rick said he couldn’t look at it until Monday because some old coot on the 3rd floor downloaded 17 toolbars for Internet Explorer and could no longer look at web pages.
The next day Ralph’s Aunt Myrtle was decapitated by a bear and his pet ferret died in a reclining chair accident.
God’s wrath does not excuse poorly networked printing devices.
The Tickles chain letter dates back to the 14th century. God sent his delivery angels to give the Holy Scroll of Tickles to a brave knight named Sir Nigel of Wellington. Sir Nigel was weary from his battles and angry at the Lord above. He broke the wax seal on the parchment and saw the image of Tickles. He scoffed at picture and cursed the heavens… refusing to show anyone else this godly kitten.
Soon after, his favorite horse was overcome with amoebic dysentery. Everywhere Sir Nigel rode, the horse would excrete a stream of crazy diarrhea.
Sir Nigel became the laughing stock of the village. They called him Sir Nigel of Flatulent Equines. In those days, that was a pretty serious burn.
Seeing the error of his ways, he went to the highest mound in the village and fell to his knees, begging for God’s forgiveness.
Showing great mercy, the Lord forgave him and cured his horse. Nigel then promised to show the image of Tickles to the whole of Britain. And since that time, the chain of Tickles has never been broken.
To all of those reading this post, GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU that all will be dandy in the coming year. Your sperm will be potent and you will have many babies. Your work will pay you vast sums of money and encourage you to spend extra time farting around on the internet. He asks only one thing in return.
Send this blog post of Tickles to 20 people.
Squirrel art by Jonas Nivar
[Just Dave Comics]