We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about dating and family. Thanks for all your questions about household hints! We apologize in advance for Marla’s answers.

Dear Marla,

I am having a centipede problem in my house. Can you tell me how to get rid of them?

Sincerely,
Bugged-Out

 

Dear bugged out,

I hope ur not talkin about human centipedes because thats one pest problem I dont know if I could help with lol some say I dont have ppl skills but if ur talkin about those creeper crawlers with lots of legs then yeah I have sum tips.

1) dont try to outrun them this might sound silly but srsly dont they literally have millions of legs n you only have 2

2) they like cold dark places so youll probs have to stay away from basements which is fine cuz who hangs out in basements lol except me sumtimes when I’m feelin sad

3) don’t shower cuz they like to hide in there. Just ask a friend or maybe ur grandma if u could borrow their bathroom

Centipedes are basically unstoppable sorry but facts are facts. One last tip though if u do manage to kill one you should def stick its body on a toothpick n display it by ur front door to show its friends n family what youre capable of

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I spilled red wine on my carpet, how can I get the stain out?

Sincerely,
Melanie

 

Dear mel,

Gurl you came to the right place. I spill red wine like every morning lmao but srsly it’s like you’d think I’d sober up by 11am but no I’m unemployed right now n my day drinkin helps me deal. btw do u know anyone whos hirin? I can send u my resume if u want I’ve got sum office skills. OK lol enough about me. When I spill red wine on carpet I usually set a bunch of paper towels on the spot n sit on it for a while (ur weight helps it soak up) While you’re sittin n waitin try reading a book or sumthin bc they say books keep your brain exercised. You know what might even be easier is to just drink the wine out of a cup w/ a lid lol ppl think those cups are only for babies but I think they can def be for teens n adults too

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

Every time I do laundry my clothes always come out of the dryer stiff as a board. I know I should use fabric softener, but money is tight right now. Do you have any cheap at home remedies that may work for me?

Sincerely,
Stiff Pants Susie

 

Dear stiffy pants (I sorta edited ur name cuz I thought it’d be funny lol),

This is a great question one that doesn’t get asked enough but first things first gurl are u havin money troubles? Because I could sell u some fabric softener for pretty cheap. I wish I could just give it to u for free but I’m havin sum $$ trouble myself lol I get my fabric softener from my moms house. Anyway the reason I said this was a great question is because there are no home remedies like literally nothing will help. The only thing that works is fabric softener so sorry gurl but you’re probably just gonna have to buy sum from me I’ll even cut you a deal.

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

How can i clean my oven? It gets dirty after i use it which is weird because it says self-cleaning but no, dirt everywhere. PLEASE HELP, I have like 2 people coming over for a meal that i have to make on that stupid oven.

From,

Mr. Oven Mitts

 

Dear oven mitts,

Ovens are srsly so dumb I hate them. Of all the appliances my fav is a tie between microwaves n refrigerators lol def not ovens. Its like what’s the point of them when u have microwaves. I use microwaves literally for every meal even if its just a bowl of cereal LMAO jk why would anyone heat up a bowl of cereal. Could be a funny prank though rofl

I just told you that I use microwaves for everything so obvs I don’t have much oven experience and don’t really know what to tell you other than to switch to microwaves. You’d be surprised at how fast that little box can cook stuff

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I totally need your help.  My dad is seriously buggin’ and like totally wants to take away my credit cards!  He says I like shop too much but I haven’t even been to the mall in like 2 whole days!  He says the only way he’ll consider letting me keep my cards is if I sell my car.  But Marla, if I don’t have a car, how will I get to the mall? Please help!

Thanks,
Missy

 

Dear Missy,

At first I was like whoa I can’t answer this cuz it’s not household related lol but then I realized that if you don’t have a car then you will be on house arrest which might not be household but it’s definitely houseHELD lmao anyway ive been on house arrest twice n it was awful but thank god I had that game “The Sims” I built some pretty cool mansions cuz I know the cheat codes lol

You should hurry up and order that game but make sure you use the cheat code “motherlode” n your sims will be the happiest sims on earth (not happier than mine though bc I let them snack & hook up in the hot tub whenever they want lol) be careful though bc sometimes your sim family can become more of a true family than your real life one

Love,
Marla xoxo

In her next column, Marla tackles problems with neighbors and the other people in your town. Got a neighbor problem? Ask Marla in the comments and she’ll answer!