Reusable canteens are taking over some of the market share traditionally dominated by bottled water. Bottled water sellers are fighting back with new environmentally friendly brands.
Each drop of Aquacholy water comes from the tear of an endangered animal. The animals are not bred in captivity, but approached in the wild and informed of their own global plight. Upon coming to terms with the impending fate of their species and their own mortality, the animals weep gently. Aquacholy sadness technicians tenderly comfort the animals while harvesting their tears with patented “hydration preservation ducts.” Saline content is filtered out through a hemp sieve for organic purification.
Slogan: This is what it tastes like when doves cry!
The most cutting edge in the new field of avant-water. A bottle of Rayne comes pure and empty, and it is literally bottomless. Just twist the cap and turn the bottle upside down like a funnel during a rainstorm, and nature’s limitless water supply is at your disposal. The droplets flow freely through the open-ended bottle to moisten your waiting lips. When your thirst has been slaked, or the precipitation stops, simply place the bottle in a recycling receptacle and purchase another during the next high-pressure front.
Slogan: Rayne and shine!
TrueBlue harnesses one of our most plentiful aquatic recourses, the anxious sweat of politicians being questioned during scandals. Bottled in Washington, DC, TrueBlue water taps into a bountiful and heretofore overlooked reservoir. Best of all, since many of these affair-holding, campaign-finance-corrupted politicians demonize casual drug use, you know the water will be pure!
Slogan: When our elected officials blow it, there’s TrueBlue!
Water gets our bodies ready for adventure! Whether it’s running a 5k (YEAH!) or kayaking in the ocean (HOT WATER ON WATER ACTION!), hydration sets those gears in motion. DO water is collected freshly every morning from the dew on trees, flowers, and blades of grass. In fact, it contains chunks of REAL FLORA because your body needs fuel to keep going, and WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO SORT IT OUT. We at DO are busy being CEOs, wrasslin’ gators, and LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST! Get off the bench and into the game. Just DO it!
Slogan: If you’re not living on the edge, START LIVING ON THE EDGE.
Taste of Michigan
Pond water straight from the Great Lakes. Look, we’re really struggling over here in Detroit, and Fiji sells like a billion bottles a year. This bailout isn’t cutting it. The American auto industry is falling further and further behind Japan. Just drink our lakes, please!
Slogan: Detroit Chug City!
When life gives you climate change, make climate change-ade! Melt is the only bottled water made exclusively from polar ice cap runoff. The pure, crystalline waters of the Arctic are imported for maximum hydration replenishment and come in a playful, penguin-shaped bottle. Two percent of the sales goes towards the preservation of polar landscape. The other ninety-eight percent hopes that the greenhouse gases keep on coming!
Slogan: Get it while you can!
Lots of bottled water claims to come from lakes and springs, but Gutterz is the only bottled water from the streets. Every drop of Gutterz water has dripped off of an actual gutter. Word is bond. Gutterz keeps it real, son. Recycling? Gutterz knows all about recycling. Every bottle of Gutterz water comes in a Sprite bottle with the label peeled off. How’s that for recycling? Gutterz go hard!
Slogan: Keep it grimy. Keep it Gutterz.
iDration is the only brand to capitalize on the fact that our bodies are more than fifty percent water. Why squander the world’s nonrenewable resources when we can look within for our hydration needs. Using our patented In-straw-venous technology, you can actually drink your own body, thus creating the perfect closed circuit of recycling. Don’t thank us. Thank yourself.
Slogan: Be the bottle.