We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about dating, family and household hints.

Thanks for all your questions from last time about neighbors! After you read the answers, please ask Marla your questions about cooking and food.

Dear Marla,

I have a problem with my neighbor’s dog. The damn thing barks all day long. It even wakes up my baby and baby mama. What can I do? I’m afraid if I kill it my neighbors will burn my house down. Help!

Sleepless

 

Dear sleepless,

Well first of all I need to say one of those disclaimers (I think that’s the word ‘dis-claimer’ lol my vocab isn’t 2 good) but it is: I DONT APPROVE OF HURTIN ANIMALS I have a dog named booty n a cat named buster n I love them more than anything in the world but u wanna know what else I love is sleep lol literally nothin can come between me n sleep

So here are sum clever ways to murder the dog but make it look like an accident:

1) Chocolate. Just wait til Halloween n invite the dog over n feed him 85 milky ways. That should work n if not then the dog should go on jay leno or sumthin for bein so special lol
2) Rat poison. This pretty much explains itself. If it works on rats it probs works on dogs
3) Gun. Just say u were shootin at trees but aim right for the dog n be like ‘whoops maybe next time u shouldn’t dress ur dog up in brown fur n make him look like a tree’

That’s all I got for ways to murder a dog one of them should work. Just think the sooner u do it the sooner u, your baby and baby mama can catch some Z’s

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

My neighbor always walks in front of the windows naked. Sometimes working out, sometimes on the phone, and sometimes just standing there. Should I say anything?

Peeping Tom

 

dear peeps,

Is ur name really tom because that’s one of my fav dude names lol but for real anyway back to ur question. What really matters here is if your neighbor is hot or not sorta like that website hotornot.com speakin of that site if u wanna vote for me check out my hotornot link. Some say I’ve got a face 4 radio so I figure why not the internet too lol

If I’m bein 100% honest, when I talk on the phone naked I’m not doin it for my health lol usually its real cold in my house because I never pay my heating bill so bein naked isnt exactly comfortable but I’ve been tryin to get this dude to notice me for like 2 yrs n I’m guessin your neighbor is doing the same thing. You should say hi one day just be like ‘hey nice boobs’ or whatevs lol

I should check to see if my neighbor’s name is peepin Tom lol wouldn’t it be crazy if I was your naked neighbor this whole time

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

A neighbor kid fell into a hole in my backyard and he is yelling to get out, I worry if I let him out he’ll tell his parents and they’ll fill up my hole that I’ve been working on for months. How do I get out of this mess?

Thanks!
Hole in my Heart

 

Dear hole in ur heart,

I used to dig holes in my backyard but I always put up signs that said “DANGER THERE’S A HOLE” n stuff so I never had this problem but sounds like u have a real situation. Is the neighbor kid nice? cuz if he’s nice then maybe let him out n bribe him w/ cookies or sumthin so he’ll keep quiet about bein in the hole. But sometimes nice kids are so nice they tell their dumb parents everything so maybe we should move to plan B.

Plan B is to trick the kid into thinking he’s playin a game kids aren’t that smart if their under age 13 so you can pretty much tell him anything. If you make up a story good enough maybe you can even trick him into diggin the rest of the hole for you. Just make sure u give him water n whatevs so he doesn’t die rofl

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I think that my neighbors are drug dealers. I fear that will cause a problem between them and the police and maybe even GANGS! :( What do I do?

Scared

 

Dear scaredy cat (LOL),

Gurl theres nothin n I mean literally nothin scary about gangs. I used to belong to several different gangs they used to call me Snarly Marly LOL I was pretty tough anyway this one time another gang in our neighborhood was tryin to take over our turf so me n my gang went on a shootin spree (not to KILL anyone lol just to scare them) but we accidentally did shoot this one dude “Graveyard Greg” right in the head n oh man we scattered. The cops arrested every1 but me bc I hid in a bush lol but that was the end of my gang.

You know now that I’m thinkin about it maybe bein in a gang IS a little scary lmao I guess you should stay away from those neighbors. Gurl learn from my mistakes n don’t join a gang bc u’ll probs wind up dead or in jail and not happy n healthy like me im one of the lucky ones

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

So, I just met my new neighbors this past weekend, the thing is I never knew my old neighbor moved out!! A MONTH AGO!!! Should I be concerned that I don’t pay enough attention to my neighbors???

Kat

 

Dear cat (u spelled your name wrong so I fixed it),

Thats crazy u didn’t know they moved sounds like someone needs to keep better track of things lol but srsly I can tell u every single thing my neighbors have been up to. I keep a little diary of my neighbors activity and some ppl say thats a lil weird but u know what I think its good to know wats up. You’d be surprised at how easy it easy to keep track of what ur neighbors are up to and I’m about to give u some tips.

Tip #1: You want to mostly look for windows that don’t have blinds or curtains bc then its real easy to just look right n see what’s goin on from the comfort of your own apartment

Tip #2: It gets a lil tough when they do have curtains because then u have to go outside and hide behind sumthin to get a better peek

Tip #3: ALWAYS BRING BINOCULARS lol srsly they can really zoom up on stuff

Tip #4: if you ever get caught just be like ‘hey can I borrow sum sugar’ and they’ll be like ‘ok I guess ur just baking’ and you’ll be off the hook

Try this out and let me know how it works. With my tips I bet your neighbors will never surprise u again

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I love tomatoes but am too lazy to grow my own. My neighbor has a beautiful garden with tons of tomatoes. Is it wrong to help myself to his as long as he doesn’t know?

Tomato Thief

 

Dear thief,

im not even sure why you’re askin this question bc why would ur neighbor grow stuff outside if he didn’t want ppl samplin its like grow ur stuff in the grocery store if u want to sell it for $$ lol

I always help myself to anything that’s sittin outside of my neighbors house n actually ill help myself to stuff that’s inside if the doors unlocked but I know how to pick locks too. I just saw my neighbors bringin home a new puppy n ive been thinkin about gettin my dog booty a lil sister but im gonna wait til they potty train it bc what am I stupid? lol so I say keep enjoyin those tomatoes n just leave a nice note or somethin so your neighbor knows u appreciate his vegetable skills

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Thanks for reading! Please don’t follow any of this advice you guys! But do please ask Marla for advice about food and cooking in the comments below.