Rules for my YouTube party.

Arrive at the time printed on your invitation. This isn’t a Chatroulette party, this is a YouTube party, and we have standards.

We are looking for authentic, organically raised YouTube videos only. No hype. We take turns choosing videos. If I start clapping my hands very loudly and yelling ‘bravo’ when you’re playing a video it means you’re losing the audience and being a bad YouTube party guest. Pray you do not hear me clap my hands.

Reasons for me clapping my hands and yelling ‘bravo’ to the internet can include:

• Any video where you might say ‘Look at what this cat does’ before the video starts.
• You sitting next to the laptop saying funny lines from the video a full minute before they’re said on the video.
• You did not close the ad on the video and now people are telling you to click on it so they can see the pre-order bonuses for the new Rihanna album.
• You suggest this awesome thing you saw on Vimeo.
• You start showing videos about yetis. Yetis are my domain.

If you think the video will skip then please wait for a few minutes and let it buffer. I don’t care if you have a better connection at home. You didn’t go to the trouble of organizing a YouTube party did you? I’ve been getting this ready for weeks and to be honest it’s kind of the only thing keeping me going.

When the internet starts running really slowly it probably means I’ve gone over my monthly quota because of all the practice YouTube parties I did to get ready. I don’t have a back-up internet connection, so we’ll have to leech off the neighbors. To do this we’ll all have to crowd into the south-east corner of my bedroom to get the signal and hope that they haven’t changed the password for their wireless yet.

If they have changed their password, then that’s okay! It’s just a short walk outside to my car. Here after everyone’s contributed $2 towards petrol we’ll be on our way to an in motion YouTube party. All right! Are you guys excited?

You will be driver, or you will sit in the back pointing the laptop at wealthy-looking houses searching for an unguarded Wi-Fi signal. There are no hangers-on at this YouTube party. I will hand out hors d’oeuvres, because whether it’s vehicular-aided or not, a YouTube party is still a YouTube party.

It goes without saying that the rules remain the same in the car. No videos with over a million views. Nothing that’s been picked up by a news outlet. If I discover that you’re showing us something you found on BuzzFeed then I will wait until we drive past a well-kept lawn and throw you out. Your body’s landing will be cushioned by county fair winning petunias, but your embarrassment will last weeks.

Occasionally we will be lucky enough to find a connection that will play 720p. If it’s your turn to choose a video then do not waste it.  You full screen that shit straight away, or it’s petunia time.

As we drive through the night, my 1987 Datsun like a church, our prayers pulling down errant wireless signals from the houses in the suburbs, where we praise the password being ‘password’, we will realise that a YouTube party is the closest thing we will find to religion. We will be alive and I’m having so much fun with you guys! Who sad I couldn’t organise a party? Those guys were wrong huh?

Keep calm when someone cues up the Chuck Testa video and I start getting annoyed. My hands will began to clap, almost involuntarily after hearing the redneck drawl of that so-often retweeted meme, and I will drop a mini prawn and avocado wrap into the lap of the driver, who will become confused and crash into a fire hydrant.

Remain calm. The overwhelming consensus will be to vacate the vehicle and adjourn the party. I will initially be in favor of this until I realise it’s my turn to choose the video. I will elect to pull a gun (NOT LOADED! Hosts do not point loaded weapons at guests) as an attempt to keep festivities confined to the car. Once screaming has subsided I will play the Fox News parody video that I’ve been hyping all night.

Follow me when I appear disappointed by the lack of guffawing at the video, and decide that the atmosphere of the quickly flooding car is not conducive to laughter. I will herd you and the other guest into a nearby garden, where the festivities will continue.

At this stage the laptop battery will probably be running low, so feel free to start pulling up videos on your phone when it’s your turn.

Keep calm when the policeman asks what’s going on here. I will try and pull up a video showing how the policeman is in fact outside of his constitutional rights by trying to break up a YouTube party. But in a cruel twist of fate the nearest router will be owned by a tech savvy civilian whose passworded their connection. I will sit there trying to stab in the password to “Sammo’s Belkin” for almost 90 seconds.

When I am being tased, do not, under any possible circumstance, say ‘don’t tase me bro.’ If you know of a lesser known but equally quotable video then you’re welcome to quote that for comedic effect.

Do not film me being bullied into the squad car on your camera phone. And under no circumstances upload and show the video of me being arrested at your next YouTube party. That’s just being a bad guest and reflects poorly on you.