I hacked Louis C.K.‘s email and, whoof, you would not believe what he’s been doing behind the scenes.

From: Louis C.K.
To: Those who might wish to shoplift from stores

look, I don’t really get the whole “theft” thing. I don’t know enough about it to judge either way. But I’d just like you to consider this: If you steal stuff because you can’t afford it, you’re making everyone else pay more for that thing, because the store owner has to jack up the prices to make up for what you took.

And in the week since he wrote that, shoplifting has gone down 80%.

When I saw this one, I thought it would never work:

To those who might wish to “kill” someone:

look, I don’t know what it’s like to die. Maybe it’s awesome. I can’t judge that. But I’d just like you to think about this: Dying is probably really awful. Someone’s there, and then they’re not. All you have to do, instead, is just not kill them. Just be a living person and let other people be that too.

But then everyone stopped murdering each other and Obama ended the Iraq War.

I’m really excited by the email still in Louis’s “saved drafts” folder:

To those who might wish to “siphon money from the American people into the hands of a few callous billionaires”:

look, I don’t really get the whole financial system. Neither do the vast majority of the people running it. So let’s just maybe let everyone have a little of the money. I was told that it was easier to lie back and let the rich get richer, but I chose to bring this up, because I want it to be easy for people to not starve, go homeless or watch their dreams slip away from them despite trying hard to earn their way through the world. Please help keep being alive a good idea. Or else I’ve ended murder for nothing.

I’d share you more of these, but Louis just emailed everyone in the world asking us if we could maybe not be dicks, and I was filled with conviction about all my email hacking and I’m gonna go volunteer with the Red Cross.