Tech blogs are reporting that a new Twitter bug has emerged, and it’s an ugly one: You might be randomly unfollowing people you never intended to unfollow. Casual acquaintances, celebrities, loved ones; you could be unknowingly insulting them by unfollowing them, and you wouldn’t even know it. At least that’s what tech blogs are reporting.
But what if that’s not the case?
The Internet’s top tech bloggers sat with their laptops open at a big, circular table in a dark warehouse. “You know why we’re here,” said a TechCrunch guy. “This has been a long time coming. I’m glad we’re finally doing this.”
“It’s for the best,” said the Mashable guy from his big face. “We’ll be better people for it.”
“I propose,” said an important tech blogger, “that we all make up a Twitter bug that we say is making everyone randomly unfollow people. Then we unfollow all the people we don’t want to follow anymore and nobody gets their feelings hurt.”
“This is a great idea,” agreed some guy from The Verge. “I mean, we’d unfollow them, but we’re just too polite.”
“Tell me about it,” said someone from Lifehacker. “This guy at work keeps tweeting about his cat, and I just wish he’d shut up, but I also can’t unfollow him. I see him every day!” He adjusted his glasses, then added, “Do you guys like how I used these empty toilet paper rolls to organize my laptop cables?” The others nod. That guy’s life is super hacked.
“Then it’s settled,” said a woman from Ars Technica. “We all agree that this Twitter bug is real, and then we get to unfollow our exes, neighbors, and boring extended family members.”
“Conspiracy adjourned,” said the Mashable guy banging a gavel or something.
“Fuck that, let’s block everyone and tell the fuckers!” shouted a guy from The Awl as he ran out the door and into the dark of night.