Hey, it’s me, the guy who won the lottery and then said he’d share his money with total strangers who shared his photo on Facebook! You may have seen my photo when one of your friends shared it! They probably wrote, “This dude actually won and hes planin on splittin a little with anyone who shares his update sooo im sharing.” Anyway, just wanted to say that I got my check and I’ll be cashing it soon. Then begins my long journey of tracking down the tens of thousands of people who shared my photo, because I am ridiculously generous for no reason, and also I am real.
Here’s proof that my lottery ticket was real and that I’m going to be rich soon:
Why would I, some anonymous young person with a ton of lottery money, share my money with everyone who reposts a Facebook photo? And how come some guy other than myself posted the photo? I will tell you why: Because I am very rich now and I only have time to take grainy webcam photos. I have important lottery business to attend to, so I had some guy who is also my best friend post the photo for me, and then tell all of you to share it, so that I can give it to you, because as I said before, I am very generous, and I am also telling the truth.
Shouldn’t I be worried? What if someone creates a second Facebook account and shares that photo a second time so they can get TWO shares of my lottery money? Let me tell you this, friends: I trust you. Just like you should trust me. To share a whole lot of money with you. Because I am super nice. Did I already say I’m telling the truth? Because I am.
I feel bad for all you cynics out there. That original post, in which I am holding up my blurry, winning lottery ticket and showing half of my face in a dark room, only has around 80,000 Facebook shares as I write this. Sure, that’s a lot of trusting people who like money, but that’s also a lot of NOT trusting people who HATE money being given away by me, a real person who won the real Mega Millions lottery and is sharing it with total strangers.
So what happens next? Well, if you shared that Facebook photo, things are going to get crazy: I’m going to fly a jet to your house and ask you your name. As a wealthy person, I can just buy your contact information from Facebook, then verify it myself. I know a lot of you don’t use your real names on Facebook. I’m not stupid! I can’t write a check out to someone named “Doctor Boner,” especially when there could be DOZENS of Doctor Boners on Facebook. So I’m going to take down your name, and then I am going to print off a lot of checks. I made so much money I have a laser printer.
I just want to change the world with this money. I could donate it to a charity, but what is a charity, really? A bunch of strangers who give your money to even more strangers? No thank you! I only deal with first-degree strangers! The best way to distribute this money is to Facebook users, the neediest people in the world.
If everyone shares that photo of me, then I’ll be splitting my hundreds of millions of dollars with everyone in the country, and then you can all be rich!
Okay I just ran the numbers and no, you won’t be rich, but I can at least buy you a coffee. To split with the person next to you. Sorry about that.
American Facebookers, I hope my message gets to you in time. I’d hate for you to not get in on this sweet opportunity before time runs out. If that Facebook post gets taken down, it means you were too late, and not something else like this was all a scam and you’re all stupid idiots.