There’s a Yelp reviewer in Washington, D.C. who writes his reviews in ASCII art, screenplays and other little fantasies. His name is Farzan K. Here are highlights from his best reviews.

McDonald’s (click for the full review):

“Summary: McDonald’s McFlurries may be an unhealthy food choice. Also, this location once gave me a McFlurry instead of chicken.”

Shadowroom (click it for the whole thing):

Archibald’s strip club:

Customer Service: Hi.  Thank you for calling the Better Business Bureau.  How may I help you?

Farzan: Yes, Hi.  My name is Farzan K. and I’m calling to file 2 complaints against Archibalds.

Customer Service:  Sure, what is the nature of your complaints?

Farzan:  Well this one stripper was all hot on the outside, so I tipped her, then she smiled and gave me reoccurring nightmares for a week.  And this one other stripper demanded money from me when I wasn’t even watching her or any other strippers for that matter.

Customer Service: Sounds like a case of homosexuality to me.

Rocket Bar (click dammit):

You guys, these are just excerpts of longer, more amazing narratives!

Except this one:

And this one (I think it’s OK, I think he’s Persian?):

And this one:

Aaaaaand this beauty:

Go read the rest of Farzan’s 100 brilliant Yelp reviews.

Thank you to Neil Manzullo for finding this account! Slacktory readers, send your internet discoveries to tips@slacktory.com and we might feature you in an italicized sentence at the end of a post!