America’s Got Talent would’ve been a great idea for a television show in the year ____ (insert year where boring things were really exciting). But in the year 2012, a talent show, really? Where’s the controversy? The sex appeal? The gay sex appeal? As the show begins its seventh season this week, I think it’s high time we explore some other options. Options such as:
America’s Gotye Talent: Technically from Australia; as a workaround the show will be a clip of an American flag waving while “Somebody That I Used to Know” plays on repeat for an hour. A stretch, but still somehow better than watching AGT original formula.
America’s Gob Talent: One full hour of Gob Bluth. It’s not a show with tricks, Michael. Tricks are what whores do for money.
America’s Goth Talent: America sees the best of the black arts and texts 666 to vote for the person who best broods in their own self loathing.
America’s Got Talons: Featuring master bird trainer Larry Bird. It’s got birds playing basketball under the intense gaze of a passionate mustachioed man. What more could you want?
America’s Got Talent. What’s That?: Competition where contestants must perform their talent and successfully teach it to Kim Kardashian so she may finally have one.
South America’s Got Talented Weather Ladies: Weather women from south of the border compete to see who can most accurately predict the forecast while also predicting the rising temperature inside judge Howie Mandel’s pants.
America’s Got Privatized Health Care So Don’t Get Sick…: Really more of a public service announcement for those considering moving here.
A show that sends a high-pitched squeal through the television speakers that only the creators of hackneyed reality programming can hear. It kills them instantly or turns them into kittens or something. The world is immediately a better place.