Every day, Tumblr’s millions of users pick a new piece of pop culture to worship, desecrate, and repurpose. But what of our sacred texts and old traditions? Will they make sense in this Tumblr Universe?

Fear not, for I have updated one of our most beloved religious stories to ensure that our children and our children’s children understand. Behold:

Fathered by a boy in space and a virgin One Direction fan, in a room with very bad wifi, the blogger Tumblr Jesus was immaculately conceived. He wasn’t just any blogger— he was God’s blogger.

Soon he began performing miracles. His first was with a few small pieces of content.

It was hard at first for Tumblr Jesus to convince the doubters that he was who he claimed to be. He encountered many whom he’d have to correct.

His number of followers grew although most were too shy to talk to speak with him directly.

It was his policy to welcome everyone’s requests. For awhile he even left anon on…

…for awhile. As his followers multiplied he received many requests he knew his father would wish him not to fulfill.

Soon he gathered such a following that those desperate for attention began seeking him.

Finally after many miracles, resulting in a miraculous amount of notes, he achieved a status known only to a select few before him. He became… TUMBLR FAMOUS. While still less popular than Frogman, he found his radical beliefs and newfound status nonetheless angered those in power and quickly he was apprehended.

And his blog was totally screwed.

When his followers came the next day to see his blog they found nothing.

They thought he had forsaken them.

But three days later he performed his greatest miracle: resurrection!

Today the teachings of his life are reblogged all across the Earth.

But man does he have some crazy fandoms.