His name is Mark, spelled ɱхяƙ. He tells stories. He’s also an impeccable, poetic blogger and illustrator.

Urkel is drafted and sent to war. He misses Laura badly. He shoots a man from a great distance. The moment hangs in time. Did I… do that?

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) January 6, 2012

Call Pizza Hut and have it delivered to you at a Whole Foods and just stand there and eat it in front of God and everyone.

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) September 15, 2011

Minestrone recipe: 1) Get a big pot. 2) Put a bunch of shit in it. 3) Is it minestrone yet? 4) Did you forget step 2?

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) November 27, 2011

sexy singles in your area… 20 meters… 10 meters… 5 meters… oh god they’re in the ventilation ducts!

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) June 10, 2012

CNN explaining cloud computing is like a four-year-old explaining where people go when they die

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) May 19, 2012

I know all the latest swears.

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) June 21, 2012

you learn something new every day but mostly it’s about shit you already fucked up the day before so

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) July 18, 2012

at the pond listening to the rhythmic fucking up of children on skateboards

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) July 14, 2012

there i fixed it twitter.com/Mxrk/status/22…

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) July 15, 2012

I’ve seen a hell of a lot of “get drunk and don’t give a shit” punchlines in my half-decade on Twitter, and this one rises above through elegant execution:

How to Grade Papers: 1) Put each student’s name on a notecard. 2) Put notecards in a hat. 3) Throw hat into a fire. 4) GEt drunk %)Fal aslep

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) August 16, 2011

Same with the “all is meaningless” punchline (sorry for ruining all these punchlines):

fun fact: Florida’s state bird is not the flamingo because life is meaningless discord

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) July 8, 2012

Funny how giving women medicine violates people’s religious freedom but all my money references your hillbilly sky god.

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) February 16, 2012

My favorite part of this one is the retweets and faves if you click through:

Relentlessly mock furries on the internet & then go to a Halloween party dressed as a sexy animal and have the time of your goddamn life.

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) October 29, 2011

You meet Seinfeld. You know he gets it all the time, but can’t help asking, “What’s the deal with airplane food?” He tells you the deal.

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) May 30, 2012

i am so bad at doing laundry. i don’t mean bad at remembering to do it, i mean repeatedly fucking up what is essentially an automated task

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) July 8, 2012

#ff cool books. Just tell your job to screw off and stay home and read cool books.

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) March 2, 2012

I’m at the people’s revolution, I’m at the religious coup, I’m at the combination people’s revolution and religious coup.

— ɱхяƙ (@Mxrk) April 14, 2012