Yahoo

Yahoo: Check your stock horoscope!

Nick: I need to fix my mom’s email, where do I do that?

Yahoo: See the smallest Chipotle scandal in the world!

Nick: Also have you seen my Flickr login?

Yahoo: Will this couple’s Simpsons-themed wedding proposal make you pay more at the pump?

 

Amazon

Nick: I need to buy a beard trimmer.

Amazon: No prob! I’ll just go underpay a warehouse worker

Nick: Wait what?

Amazon: Nothing, hey, here’s your favorite book for one penny.

Nick: Oh man, that’s fantastic, thanks!

Amazon: We love to give you the lowest prices by evading taxes

Nick: Sorry, what was that bit?

Amazon: Haha you must have overheard me rigorously vetting third-party vendors or negotiating DRM-free downloads or making an app to treat indie bookstores as my showroom

Nick: I… I really want to like you, Amazon. But this feels sleazy.

Amazon: What are you gonna do, willingly pay more just because I remind you of Wal-Mart?

Nick: Of course not!

Amazon: Damn right. Now let’s get you bumped up to Prime, you cheaply bought whore

 

TV Tropes

Nick: Hey, what’s that trope where cartoon characters say “razza frazza ragger jagger” instead of swearing?

TV Tropes: Here it is! And here are seventy fascinating related concepts.

Nick: I forget what I came here for, but I have an idea for a six-book story cycle based on the “rock music hardness scale” and Death in Meet Joe Black‘s love of peanut butter OH GOD WHAT YEAR IS IT

 

Paperless Post

PP: My my, you’ve been invited to a party!

Nick: Yes, whose party is—

PP: Let’s open the card and see what it could be!

Nick: Listen is this on Facebook or somewh—

PP: My dear gentleman, you are cordially invited to “It’s My Dirty 30, bitchwhores” at the apartment share of Natasha Schachter. Répondez s’il vous plaît, and BYOB.

 

Twitter

Nick: Nice tweet! I want to link to it.

Twitter: Click here, then click here!

Nick: Nice retweet! I want to see that user.

Twitter: Click here, then here, then here!

Nick: Nice — wait, what happened?

Twitter: Surprise! We changed how everything works just now.

Nick: But I just figured out how to use everything!

Twitter: Here’s what some uninformed people are saying about popular TV shows!

 

About.com

Nick: Wait, these aren’t the instructions I googled for. What are you actually useful for?

About: How to use a pencil.

Nick: That’s too easy.

About: Tips to become an art appraiser.

Nick: That’s too complicated.

About: Sending you to eHow.

Nick: NOOO!

 

Urban Dictionary

Nick: What’s a “trumpstar”?

UD: It’s this thing when Caitlyn is a total bitch and everyone at Wiscasset Elementary knows she slept with Braden.

Nick: I… I think you made that up. What’s a “green hula hoop”?

UD: Yo boy dat’s when yo girl she’s spinnin in circles n da snot come flyin out her nose, it mad sexy

Previously: Brief interviews with GoDaddy, TMZ and the New York Times