Twitter’s CoolAssMarvin is a lot like YouTube’s Hennessy Youngman: He’s smart, observant, witty, and he speaks in an “urban” patois. He’s a little like a black Mitch Hedburg.

And he’s got under 3,000 followers, so when you retweet him you will be an early-adopting tastemaker. You’ll be, like, the Pitchfork of Twitter users.

i dunno who da office-passive-aggressive-note-gangsta is in here, but they sick as hell of being the only one who refill the Splenda basket!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 22, 2012

finance girl just look me up and down, lick her lips and say “have a good hump day marvin.” imma email HR. thats inappropriate in the office

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 22, 2012

yo, if anyone gonna flashrob a crate & barrel in the hartford area let me know. i needa new french press

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 8, 2011

I got a tempurpedic matress. its good for my back but it can be hard to fuck on it. plus it sucks up pussy juice likea sponge tahahaha holla

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 7, 2011

i’m gonna burn this no-watercress-havin motherfucking diner down to the fucking ground… on yelp.

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 7, 2011

this motherfucker in the mailroom goin on and on about global economic collapse. bragging about how he buy gold. buy gold FUTURES not coins!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 8, 2011

why the fuck steve harvey got all this credibility alla sudden? he was on the level of like Gallager in that comedy hierarchy.

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 23, 2012

this motherfucker joe biden all talking about chains and all these niggas all mad like he a slave owner. joe biden from SCRANTON stupid!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 19, 2012

i aint sayin scranton is the hub of intellectualism there wasnt no fucking plantations there. this nigga biden only guilty of bein a dork.

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 19, 2012

this lady from procurement reading that 50 Shades of Grey in her car and her lips was movin as she read it like the book is challenging LOL!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 23, 2012

YO @wholefoods! where the fuck is the organic honeycrisp apples at? Its mid august dont make me wait! HA! jus playing keep up the good work!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 17, 2012

fools always mourning michael jackson, tupac and shit. breaking news, michael crichton dead too and that nigga wrote jurassic park!!!!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 19, 2012

SMH motherfucker who write negative reviews on amazon because the shipping was slow or ups fucked up the box. it’s a product review stupid!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 15, 2012

Lol at dis motherfucker Obama appointing wallstreet elite to the fed. these illuminati motherfuckers crack me up

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) December 28, 2011

dow jones rollercoaster like a motherfucker. this shit gives me agita. fuck.

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 12, 2011

no ho, i dont want to webex with you! i want a face to face presentation. earn my business!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 15, 2012

crazy bitches like michelle bachman are always a trip between the sheets. shes a hypocrite takein those federal farm subsidies though

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 7, 2011

If you wondering where your boy Marvin got these abs the answer is simple. Support Local Organic Farms.

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 6, 2011

so sick of these stupid ass fools askin for help w/Excel. it’s a fucking pivot table not rocket science bitch. GOOGLE THAT SHIT! fuck!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 8, 2011

This nigga at work talk about Call of Duty like he won a congressional medal of honor. You ain’t general patton! You a geek, son LMDAO!

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) December 28, 2011

hwo the fuck a guy like marvin become a twitter sensation in the alt comedy universe? closet racism prolly.

— marvin (@CoolAssMarvin) August 19, 2012