Matt Romney and Rob Paul are running for president. What that means is two funny, absurd Twitter and Facebook personas are mocking politics by showing what it would look like if a couple of half-illiterate weirdo suburbans ran for office on completely unfulfillable platforms. You know, like in the real world.
We’ve written about these guys before, and now our colleague Chris Donahue scored an interview.
First of all I want to thank both of you for taking the time out of your busy campaigning schedule to sit down with me.
Matt Romney – thank u. im just gonna party later instead of right now but its ok.
Rob Paul – It is an asbolute pleasure to speak to anyone in the mainstream media illuminati thank you for having me and I hope that I can perform your secret handshake correctly every time I promise I will work on it and I’m sorry I knocked the coffee into your lap it was an Iced coffee and you had the lid on it but a little got on your dungarees they’re dark so it doesn’t show that much sorry again
It’s not a problem. Rob, this first question is for you. You were running for President but decided to step down and run as Vice. What’s that all about?
RP – After my most recent divorce I got together with Matt and we were talking about how this country was the greatest country yet lost a lot of greatness recently feels like it started to happen after Raegen so I said I wanted to be President or maybe it was closer to it would be cool to be president we both wanted to be president well I xeroxed some flyers but never got around to handging them out then my doctor changed my wellbutrin prescription to lexipro and i didn’t take it too well really fucked with me so I wound up spending a lot of time inside in the dark, during that time Matt really got the ball rolling and I decided that I might as well just help him becoming our president and i could be vice president we talked about it and he sounded pretty game so that’s why I want to be the New VICE PRESIDENT.
Who would you suggest Obama and Mitt(ens) choose as their running mates?
RP – I think I’d be a pretty big boost to any campaign so if they asked me I would probably say yes and I don’t even think Matt would worry about it he knows that we need at least one of us in there banging shit out behind the scences and also I would recommend someone like Ryan Seacrest he looks pretty good during the Olympics he’s very rich and his hair can be combed up very high and that is always a good look with your vice president and if you’re looking for someone with experience I think someone like Wolf Blizter would be good because he’s been around a lot and see where this country is going and seems to be a good guy
Matt, what do you feel you can do to improve on this society that President Obama and Mitt(ens) Romney can’t?
MR- well pretty much every way actually. let’s be honest with ourselves we’re not dealing with any cool dudes here. obama i mean whatever he’s a nice guy and i like that he likes to ball but he prommised to end the bush tax cuts and he hasn’t. he filled the white house with lobbies and all their oily friends and i dont even remember who hes supposed to be anymore. hey obama i wanna smoke a spliff on the bus why havent u done anything about that u uptight jerk? if the fat cats dont pay, the regular joes can’t play. as far as mittens goes, what the heck are they thinking ? oh wow another white guy with a silver spoon wedged in his ass. great. and he’s pretending to hate obamacare? the dumbass basically wrote the bill. lets face it, i cut taxes by 50% last year and if u let me, im gonna do it again. im also gonna be in the next robocop movie thats a promise.
You are both very active in the social media world, from your facebook page to your twitter feed. Do you think this gives you the upper hand in the election?
RP – why not? a lot of these guys are afraid of the interente and have their office lackeys running their sites not us this is all us why would we want the same watered down bullshit that we get during the debates? we’re telling you how it is what’s on our mind and that’s why Americans, true real Americans, love us to our death. I don’t always understand it but I think it’s important, there are a lot of important things I don’t totally understand but the fact that i’m owrking so hard to learn it should show you that I’m a dedicated man.
MR- I like to twet and i like to facebook. its a good way to talk to real people and to hang out and party. one time i had 24000 twitter folowers because mittens’ campaign bought them for me by mistake but now i only have like 12000 becaise obama adn teh cia deleted them or killed my followers he is doing this a LOT. facebook is cool because sometimes girls try to seduck me on facebook and they are very beautiful i am lonely because my wife died. helo to all my beautiful girls . so hot.
So uh… you guys like to party?
RP – I always love to dance and yes I love to eat outdoors with my friends and family and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. This summer alone I’ve thrown 12 parites at my condo and I’ve never had any kind of complaints most of my neighbors come on over and we play horseshoes they seem to like it I don’t go too crazy and when I do my bed is just behind my sliding glass doors so when I close my venitian blinds and lock the door my friends know it’s time to leave LOL
MR – we are party guys plain ane simple. i party. rob parties. we were born to party and we party every day basicalyl. rob loves to party and i love to party. i can drink anyone but rob under the table so if mittens or barak want to take me on im ready.
What’s your stance on the legalization of marijuana?
MR- lets just say that i like to watch x files and eat popcorn with m&ms mixed in and i have a rare salt lamp and also i have a pretty cool blue poncho with mexican designs ;-]
RP – Excellent question, yes.
What’s your first plan of action if you’re elected President? and Vice President?
RP – hands down the first thing we’re going to do is cut every single tax there is to cut. matt is very strong on that and I asbolutely support him. as vice president i’m going to change passport policy I kind of don’t even get it, all these little stamps and weird stuff but they’re so important i think we should just have cards, swipe in and out of the country and maybe those are our credit cards too and also our healthcare cards and driver licenses and everything you could customize it and put whatever jpeg on it you want and it would be something of yours to cherish i think that i would never forget a card that had a picture of my 1978 special eddition PONTIAC Trans AM on it glistening from the turtle wax also i think there should be a 2 visit limit to other countries a year and for every dollar you spend in another country that gives our money a boost because you would be just using that money in the USA so it’s like you’re spending it here
MR- my plan ? well first of all im the only president with a plan actually. im gonna create jobs because im a job creator. we’re gettin rid of tax cuts for the wealthy because historically, they don’t work. bingo, gone. next our nationale anthem is sandstorm by dave rude. next, we form a 2nd footeball league with everyone unemployed it’s called the UFL (unemployed football league) and then we have 2 super bowles. nice. next stone cold is my secretary of defense whats up now north korea kim jong bitch? *suck it*
A lot of gun related violence has been happening these days, including the Aurora theatre shooting during The Dark Knight Rises. How do you feel about the nation’s gun control policies?
RP – guns are great and very important to our nation and our nation’s history but i have to say a lot of these guns are for pussies i think only revolvers should be allowed and if you’re really pissed off at the world start taking swings at people and i’m sure you get a black eye and it will calm your crazy ass down haha i know it helps me sometimes haha
MR- i guess we could have new chocking hazard warnings on the labels or maybe “CHEW SAFELY’ but i guess i didnt do enough prez studies on this… ive never choked on gum. my favorite kind is eclipse but not the movie i dont really like vampires but i am not fraid of them i just dont like that shit but my daughter marie likes them a LOT i caught her reading that booke about vampires tying up other vampires and peeing in their mouths 50 times or whatever.
Finally, Chick-Fil-A has been in the news recently for their stance on same sex marriage. How do you feel about same sex marriage?
RP – solved this on facebook a few days ago make a chicken shack for gays and then open thousands across teh country and let all of the unemployed work there that way gay people have their chicken shack everyone has jobs and people who hate gay people can continue to eat their chicken the way they like their chicken to be served by straights
MR – im not really sure what makes people think they can tell other people they can’t be in love. we’re god damn america arent we? who cares if two dudes wanna lick each others peters. good for them. get married i dont have any right to say otherwise. its insulting to me that people attempt to utlize our constitution to carry out their bigotry. its insane. god is dead. you failed. get over it.
id like to deidcate this interview to my dead dog thank u.