1. TWITWRECK: That sad little pile of hashtags that never trended, forcing you to delete all your jumpstarting tweets so you don’t look lonely.
2. TWEMPANCIPATION: When your mother joins Twitter, calls you by your pet name then asks if you can buy pessaries on eBay, and you pretend that she’s a spambot.
3. TWATTEURISM: Thinking up, posting, then editing tweets you think are funny when, really, lunchtime was over long ago:
Usain Bolt – Rundemption Song
Usain Bolt – Buffalo Sprinter
DooshBaggie12: Usain Bolt – RUN LOVE!!! AMIRIGHT?? GO JAMINICANS!! #olimpycs
4. CLUSTERTWUCK: What happened on Twitter during the James Bond segment of the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony:
Remember when everybody said “THE FUCKING QUEEN” at the same time? twitter.com/flashboy/statu…
— Tom Phillips (@flashboy) July 27, 2012
5. TWISGRACE: Shameful auto-tweets from third parties:
@orbyn just purchased 50 kilos of CysBeat, the cystitis beater! http://CysBeat.com
6. STARSHUCK: Reading a beloved celebrity icon’s Twitter feed and realizing that, among other disappointments, they preface foolish pronouncements with the word “fukken”:
OK, I Fukken know Chinese can’t be Ninjas!
— Samuel L. Jackson (@SamuelLJackson) July 31, 2012
7. TWOGWASH: Tweets that are 90% hashtag:
DooshBaggie13: Lol #porcupine #mullet #fdaapproved #illuminati #type2diabetes #feminazi #chickfila #what #idonteven
8. TWIMBOLIST: Twitterer who rarely posts alphanumeric content:
— EL KREAY (@KREAYSHAWN) August 9, 2012
Also Twitter users from Wimbledon, south London.
9. SCHADENFREUNDE: The momentary feeling between introducing a friend to Twitter, and helping them out when they inevitably do something wrong:
trAceysm1th: Why won’t #kimkardashian reply to my twits?? THink I accidentally posted that naked photo. Can every1 see this??? What is the character limi
10. SCHMOOKER: The inconsistent schmoozer/lazy stalker who spams celebrity accounts with whiny requests for useless retweets:
DooshBaggie13: @TyraBanks When I get 1000 followers I will tattoo Fabio on my perineum pls RT
DooshBaggie13: @BuzzAldrin When I get 1000 followers I will tattoo Fabio on my perineum pls RT
DooshBaggie13: @KimJongUn When I get 1000 followers I will tattoo Fabio on my perineum pls RT
11. CREEPYPETA: When people post as their pets, or toys, and it starts to get weird:
JacobthePuppy: Mummy says that someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.
12. PSYCHOTIC TWEAK: Losing it on public transport and tweeting the whole thing:
DooshBaggie13: Old guy on bus lookin at me funny. WTF do I have something on my face?
DooshBaggie13: Old guy just blinked ‘fuck you’ at me in Morse Code
DooshBaggie13: @casualobserver no I am NOT overreacting
DooshBaggie13: Bought a machete
13. TWEEDBACK LOOP: Too many synched social accounts:
DooshBaggie13: NEW POST: Falafel for lunch again! (via Instagram) (via Pinterest) (via Flickr) (via Twitter) #fb
14. TWUNTUATION: Maintaining a hard line on ending @ replies with a kiss, no matter what the situation:
AuntieJoan: @orbyn SO good to see you. You’re doing so well, really proud, love you x
Orbyn: @AuntieJoan Yeah.
15. TWUNT: Someone who retweets their own praise:
Orbyn: RT @DooshBaggie13 And finally #ff @orbyn because she’s so self-effacing
Photo by/CC Mat Honan on Flickr