- Honeybee: Teach hive how to Dougie
- Hawk: Body-snark a rodent from 100 yards
- Pelican: “Chubby Bunny”
- Dayfly: Leave good-looking corpse
- Hippo: Brag endlessly about how you’re far more dangerous than people assume
- Mountain Goat: Reach platinum level on your REI card
- Patagonian Toothfish: Fill out change-of-name form
- Meerkat: Accurately perform half of “Hakuna Matata”
- Seal: Throw beer can at a sea lion
- Housefly: Don’tstandstilldon’tstandstilldon’tstandstill
- Dolphin: Fail human Turing test by never acting pissed off
- Fox: Give an undetected back-handed compliment
- Jellyfish: No test necessary, jellyfish don’t give a fuck
- Horny Toad: Go “hurr hurr hurr” every time someone calls you over.
- Horse: Generally be a prick
- Anaconda: Give five-star Netflix rating to Anaconda
- Manatee: “My name is Chubby Cheeks”
- Chihuahua: Pee on most expensive item in room
- Chimpanzee: Wear tuxedo and pretend to do Turing test like a proper gentleman; laugh to chimp buddies later like it was all ironic
- Crocodile: Don’t evolve for 55 million years
- Camel: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
- Stingray: Say “Why not Zoidberg?” and do that blubbery thing with your wing-fins
- Coral: Play the long con
- Hyena: Lose tickling contest and get really upset, saying “I’m not actually enjoying it just because I’m laughing”
- Honey-badger: Get 10,000 YouTube subscribers
- Oyster: Quit job and open a jewelry store on Etsy
- Polar Bear: Coke and Mentos Challenge followed by alphabet-burp
- Sloth: Smoke entire bowl without coughing
- Platypus: Perform five other animal Turing tests
