• Shazam: You’ve never asked someone what song they were playing since the day the whole bar laughed at you for not recognizing “Paranoid Android”.
• Evernote: Librarians ask you for help. The police call you to solve crimes. You have parented nine gifted children, only three of them biologically yours.
• Calculator: Your favorite color is beige.
• FourSquare: You show up at other people’s dates. You join in. You’ve gotten laid six or twelve times this way, depending how you count it.
• Color Splash: You’ve photographed six weddings and like two million fenceposts.
• Pandora: You are a Thai restaurant.

• Find My iPhone: The bartender is sick of this thing going off at 3 AM. It’s made her break three pint glasses.
• Instagram: Your friends know what the tops of your feet look like against multiple backgrops.
• Emoji: You think memes come from 9GAG.
• WhatsApp Messenger: You get sexts about your impressively low phone bill.
• Find My Friends: Your child has been faking this app out by hiding it in the bleachers, skipping soccer practice and snorting coke with the wrestling team. Good job, technoparent.
• Facebook: Look up at me when we’re talking!
• Chrome: You made three response videos to the Mars rover landing.
• Skype: We all know her name, you don’t have to clarify with “my French girlfriend” every damn time.
• The Weather Channel: When the street gets wet, so do you.
• Flashlight: You’ve been planning a camping trip for two years.
• Camera+: You’ve got the most pristine dick pic in the country. It’s super-gonna get sucked.
• Nike+: You’re constantly accomplishing uncomfortable, unnecessary tasks just to prove you can, and then accomplishing them again in nine fewer minutes as if that brings some benefit to the world.
• iBooks: Moby-Dick gave you carpal tunnel.
• QR Reader: You work in an ad agency’s QR department.
• MapQuest: You drive a minivan in a “calming” color.
• Tumblr: You tell your family how you’re doing through TV gifs.
• LinkedIn: You own non-ironic motivational posters.
• Spotify: You have listened to one song from every band, ever.
• someecards: Sheerly by skipping Facebook messages, you are everyone’s favorite person on their birthdays.
• Voice Memos: Note to self: You’re a tool.
• Audible: One fellow commuter has made a morning hobby of watching your face.
• Craigslist: You stay off dating sites because they leave a paper trail.
• Songza: Two years ago, when iTunes ruined date night with the Power Rangers theme, you vowed “never again.”
• Square: You move through the world like a sleek black bullet. You utter no words at your coffeeshop, you are inside for only six seconds.
• Geocaching: You got married just so your bachelor-bachelorette parties could be a two-team scavenger hunt.
• Captio: “Inbox Zero” is just words, really.
• Klout: You apply The 48 Laws of Power to birthday parties.
• Twitter: You are super-up-to-date on celebrity deaths, arguments, and endings to TV shows you intended to watch on Netflix Instant next year.
• Reminders: Your co-workers set this to say “Beer time!” whenever you punch out. You kept it. This is your life now.
• Notes: It’s the calming yellow backdrop that relaxes you and lets you pretend you stuck with law school.
• Curiosity on Mars: You’re making up for being totally checked out of the Opportunity landing. Or you thought this was a Dreamworks trailer.
• Bump: You went to three trade shows just to find someone to do this with. You contracted pneumonia. You kind of like that it’s called “contracted”, like you made a business deal for the pneumonia.
• Wikipanion: Your trivia team has a corporate sponsor.
• Lumié: If technology hadn’t mercifully pulled your type toward iPhone art apps, you would have been the billionaire artistic heir to the Thomas Kinkade fandom.
• Newsstand: You see it sitting there, empty and useless. You squint at it, trying to will it away. A tiny vessel pops in your forehead. It does no real damage, but the slight scar will remain all your life.
• Dropbox: You are a master of information until the day your phone is stolen and, with it, your billion-dollar movie idea. Turns out the thief was an aspiring screenwriter too, and now JK Rowling’s got him on her Favorites.
• Status Shuffle for Facebook: You are a cancer upon the earth.
• Groupon: Lunchtime is 4 PM, and you’ll have the entire menu, please.
• Instapaper: Light glows from your fingertips as you, after absorbing all human knowledge in the little moments when everyone else daydreams or texts or plays Where’s My Water, synthesize this information into pure psychic ability, bending matter and energy to your will.
• Ringtones: You set your favorite song as your ringtone for your boyfriend, and now you loathe them both.
• Birdhouse: You get a book deal for every thought in your head.
• Stocks: What?
• Yelp: You hover your crooked finger threateningly over “Publish”. “Free appetizer, hombre, or this taqueria doesn’t outlast its current batch of guac.”
• Etsy: You like to expose street vendors as price-gougers.
• GarageBand: You have an iTunes playlist named “DJ set”.
• Google Search: You’ve taught Google to identify various acquaintances by surreptitious long-distance upskirt.
• Game Center: Every day you get revenge on your high school bully by kicking his ass at Qrank.
• Omegle: You have like fifty girlfriends in the Philippines.
• Netflix: David Lynch has you on a list. When he’s ready to die, you’re coming with him.
• Google Earth: Same as above, but with Richard Attenborough.
• Photoshop Express: Oh, come off it. Just slap on “1977″ and a tilt-shift.
• Fitocracy: You always add a fake extra set of sit-ups.

What did I miss? Name your favorite iPhone app in the comments and I’ll tell you what it says about you.

UPDATE: New apps as requested:

• Alien Blue: You have a three-page explanation for why you use a Mac, saved on Notes for copy-pasting into tech threads.
• Pizza Hut: You’re high, son! Look into my eyes. Look into my— god, you’re a wreck. Go to your room. Car privileges revoked. Well in my day it was different, that’s why. Go protest a war, then we’ll talk.
• Tweetbot: You have very clever ringtones to signify each of your friends, all relevant quotes from Arrested Development, Archer, or Community.
• Omnifocus: Your only regret in optimizing your work schedule so you could work from anywhere is that now you have no reason to wear your incredibly clean business suit.
• KORG iKaossilator: Other people say drugs helped them see God, or the spirit that connects us all. Drugs helped you see other drugs, and those drugs helped you see further drugs that haven’t been discovered. You planted those drugs in the garden of your mind, and out of it grew a plan for peace between all planets.
• MOG: Your ears love your fingers deeply. So deeply that they’ve been having sex at night while you’re asleep. That’s why you wake up with your arms akimbo and your eardrums aching.
• Untappd: No sure, keep explaining the difference between “hoppy” and “wheaty”. No seriously, you actually kind of make it interesting. Well sure, I’ll upgrade if it’s your round.
• Skyfire: Yeah, I’m sure you just watch New York Times videos a lot. Uh-huh. But hey listen, know any good preggers sites?
• Inkflow: You felt like a poser with your Moleskine. Now everyone thinks you’re just playing, I dunno, Sheepsville. Is that a thing? I looked it up and it’s not a thing, but “Sheeple” is a thing. And it’s not even a fundraising app for Ron Paul 2012. So that’s disappointing. But your sketches, those are pretty cool. You should build that one on page 13.
• RunPee: You only see movies with fun stuff during the credits. Bourne Legacy? Meh. Madea’s Witness Protection? Hell yeah. You snuck into three more screenings just to see those Eugene Levy bloopers.
• Stitcher Radio: You jog a hella lot. It’s destroying your knees. Because you’re still fat, because your “jogging” is actually really slow walking interspersed with brutal sprints, because you always want to stretch out the “jog” for a couple more minutes so you don’t have to stop listening to a show but then you realize they’ve started on a whole new topic and now you need to jog for another ten minutes and you’re killing yourself but you sure are entertained.
• Turntable: The zoo staff dragged you from the gorilla cage, yelling at you, “He doesn’t have any new mashups to recommend!”

Previously: What your favorite blog says about you.