Follow Friday: @Mallelis

2012/09/28 at 5:44 pm
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by Nick Douglas
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Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) has contributed to Slacktory. She’s more often on the Hairpin, writing texts from literary characters. She’s a Twitter poet.

CAN MUSLIMS BREASTFEED??? -next cover of Newsweek ARE LESBIANS AUTISTIC??

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 17, 2012

A RAISIN IS A PRETTY FUCKED UP THING TO DO TO A GRAPE

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 23, 2012

did u know in the wild asteroids & meteors are beautiful jewel-toned animals that communicate thru song? all we ever see are their bones tho

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) August 16, 2012

OH GOD THIS PARTY BUS IS STUCK IN GEAR NO ONE CAN STOP PARTYING HEADING FOR ULTIMATE PARTY EVENT HORIZON NOTHING TO DO BUT PARTY TO THE END

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) June 14, 2012

also the reason ben franklin got so much action despite looking busted is because there were only four guys then & he owned a newspaper

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 25, 2012

The key to writing a fantasy novel is Capitalizing. “I go to the city” = BORING. “I go to the City” = WHAT MYSTERIES AWAIT YOU THERE??

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) August 30, 2012

Sadly every member of the Baby-Sitters’ Club passed away the week after middle school graduation, like mayflies or replicants

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 27, 2012

its obvious women still don’t run things if they did 85% of porn wd be drawings of the hot foxes from disney’s robin hood full on makin out

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 10, 2012

SEX TIP next time ur man gets a boner point to it &say DID I DO THAT in ur best Urkel voice

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 19, 2012

Newsweek headline circa 2016: CAN THINGS DO NOUNSWORRY FACEIS GOOD BAD???? WHY I HURT ///// stock photo anger mom

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 17, 2012

a million dollars isn’t cool you know what’s cool S A T I S F Y I N G P E R S O N A L R E L A T I O N S H I P S

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 4, 2012

@redfivetwo Google asked, “Did you mean to build this life for yourself? Is this really what you wanted?” You click: delete history.

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) April 23, 2012