“The 90s Guy” is a new column by a guy from the 1990s.

Does anybody know where I can get that computer from the movie Hackers?

You know that one that’s like all painted colorful and crazy and there’s no letters on the keyboard?

It must have a really impressive graphics card because it looked like they were flying through a crazy electronic city from the future — but all they were doing was browsing for some file.

Does anybody know if you have to take special typing classes to use that computer? Because it sounded like it takes about five keystrokes to make one letter pop up on the screen. Or you know what — I bet that’s just a special way that hackers type.

Look, I’ll be honest — I just want to use it to send Cookie Monster viruses to people who act like turds in chat rooms. It’s not like it’ll really mess up their computer or anything —the virus goes away if you type “cookie.”

But like, does that computer give you face cancer? Because it looked like it projected an image of the screen directly onto your face when you use it in the dark and that can’t be great.

Also, do they really have hacker bars in New York with like skateboard ramps and big video game screens? Because that just sounds like a really cool place for an underground subculture of cyber criminals to meet and hang out.

And maybe somebody there would know where I could get that computer.

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