Somewhere in corporate America there exists a team of conference call all-stars. These heroes have the bravery, the panache to have loud call-in meetings all the time, no matter what’s going on around them.

What follows is a transcript of one of their legendary meetings.

Speakerphone: “Speakerphone here! I’ve secured a meeting room with Open Door, and we’ve dialed in and set our call to be on the highest volume setting of speakerphone. Open Door, can you close the door so nobody can hear our loud, daily check-in meeting?”

Open Door: “Nah, we should be fine.”

Speakerphone: “Who have we got on the call? Hi Who Joined, are you there?”

BOOP BEEP

Hi Who Joined: “Hi Who Joined here! Hi. I joined.”

BOOP BEEP

Hi Who Joined: “Hi, who joined?”

Always Driving: “FFSSSSSSHHHHWWWW Always Driving here. I’m in my car and I’m driving, and my window’s down like always FSSSSHWWWWWFFFFWWWW”

BOOP BEEP

Hi Who Joined: “Hi, who joined?”

No Signal: “No Signal here. I’m in a cave or something so my connection might dr-”

BEEP BOOP

Speakerphone: “Guess he left.”

BOOP BEEP

Hi Who Joined: “Hi, who joined?”

No Signal: “I’m back. My signal was bad.”

BOOP BEEP

Hi Who Joined: “Hi, who joined?”

Works From Home New Mom: (The distant sound of a baby crying) Hey guys it’s Works From Home New Mom. (Children screaming) I’m here and I brought my baby so if you hear a baby it’s my baby.”

Speakerphone: “Can’t wait! Your baby is always very loud.”

Works From Home New Mom: “I know! He is a loud baby and everybody can hear him.” (A baby cries.)

Speakerphone: “Okay, everyone. Did you get my email about the numbers?”

Always Driving: “FFFSSSSSHHHHHWWWWW what? FSSSSSHHHHHH HONKHONKHONK”

No Signal: “No, I don’t have Internet this morni-”

BEEP BOOP

Speakerphone: “Hello?”

BOOP BEEP

Hi Who Joined: “Hi, who joined?”

No Signal: “It’s m-.”

BEEP BOOP

Speakerphone: “Ok who got my email about the numbers? We have new numbers to discuss.”

Works From Home New Mom: “I got the numbers. They look good, but some of them look bad.” (A baby cries in the background.) “Whoops, gotta go.”

BEEP BOOP

Always Driving: “FSSSSHHHWWWW Hey guys, didn’t get FFSSSSHHWWWbers. But I’m going through a tunnel so who knows what’ll ha-FFSSSHHHWWWW”

BEEP BOOP

Speakerphone: “Hello? Is anyone left?”

Open Door: “I’m here, but I’m also in the same room as you. But still, I’m talking really loud so everyone else in this office can hear us.”

Speakerphone: “You are inconsiderate but these numbers are very important.”

Open Door: “Very important.”

Speakerphone: “Then it’s settled. Meeting adjourned. Have a good one, gang.”

BEEP BOOP

EPILOGUE: 30 seconds later

BOOP BEEP

Hi Who Joined: “Hi, who joined?”

Always Late Guy: “Hi, it’s Always Late Guy. Sorry I’m late. Did I miss anything?”