This Civil-War-based-jokes account (yes!) is run by comedian Gene O’Neill (@YouGeneOneill) and Brian Lane.

Upon hearing of the bombing at Ft. Sumter, Lincoln grimly told his staff, “Shit just got real.”

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) April 12, 2012

The 19th century way of celebrating and appreciating the Earth was to put thousands of corpses into it.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) April 22, 2012

Historians think that if doctors had not attended to him with unwashed hands, and if Booth had never shot him, Lincoln might have survived.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) April 14, 2012

“To bravely secede from the Union, turn to page 17. To cowardly acquiesce to carpetbaggery and abolitionist treachery, turn to page 45.”

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) May 8, 2012

In order to completely break from the Union, the Confederacy invented its own calendar. Today’s date would have been the 11th of Slaveuary.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) November 11, 2011

Originally, it was just dismissed as a fad, but eventually, every Civil War general had a podcast.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) June 7, 2012

Overheard at a Slave Auction: “Slaver? I hardly know ‘er! No, no, but seriously, I’ll buy a human being.”

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) February 16, 2012

Lincoln’s autopsy revealed the secret only Mary Todd knew: full sleeves depicting complete Juggalo Dark Carnival mythology.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) June 13, 2012

Women are like “We love chocolate!” but men are like “We love destroying our economy defending oppression!” –Confederate stand up comic

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) August 17, 2012

Northern propagandists flooded the South with candy hearts sporting messages like “U LOSE” and “♥♥♥UR IDEOLOGY IS MORALLY BANKRUPT ♥♥♥”

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) February 14, 2012

Q. How many white Southerners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. None.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) October 25, 2012

“And now imagine he’s white.” –wildly unsuccessful closing argument at the Dred Scott trial.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) August 3, 2012

Some say Robert E. Lee’s genius came from willingness to take risks; others, because that motherfucker drank 4 bottles of Robitussin a day

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) June 20, 2012

With his dying breath Stonewall Jackson said: “My LinkedIn password… RollBluntz69… B and R are capitalized… it’s…case sensitive…”

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) October 17, 2012

The War was looking bad for the Union until Uatu the Watcher broke his vow and revealed the Ultimate Nullifier’s location to Lincoln.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) March 9, 2012

Lincoln was all set to fire McClellan until he entered the man’s field tent and saw the words SOME GENERAL in a spider web.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) October 15, 2012

“Honest Abe” got his nickname when he promised an enemy he would rip off his head and shit down his throat, then did so.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) August 14, 2012

Tennessee sold more war bonds for the South than any other state, which is why they got the pizza party.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) December 27, 2011

General Grant’s Sure-Fire Hangover Cure: don’t be a pussy

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) August 17, 2012

One of the biggest debates among historians is whether Mary Todd Lincoln is considered canon or expanded universe.

— Fake Civil War (@FakeCivilWar) July 12, 2012