I strapped another BatoPak to my fingers. It had been a hard month writing Future Articles for Future Slacktory, the last comedy blog on the internet after everyone realized CollegeHumor was made of stupidheads.

I took a break to read the #NaNoWriMoOpeners tweets that made fun of National Novel Writing Month. They were all good. But maybe if I trimmed away the redundant ones and picked the very best, I could survive another day in the War on Things I Don’t Like.

Mitt Romney lathered up his perfect body with soap he made from the bones of his enemies. “Normal person, normal person.” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— brendle what (@brendlewhat) November 1, 2012

#NaNoWriMoOpeners I was alienated for being straight when the gays took over so i went searching for a giant whale. Call me Cismael.

— George Chrimbus Bush (@hamsandcastle) November 1, 2012

Mrs. Dalloway said she would fight the cyborgs herself. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— A.S. Paul (@aspaul) November 1, 2012

“Nathan, stop! You can’t do NaNoWriMo! The future depends on it,” yelped the sexy Time Elf outside my window just now #nanowrimoopeners

— Nathan Edwards (@nedwards) November 1, 2012

“I don’t know how many pipecleaners can fit in my dick but i’m gonna find out” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Tyson Saunders (@Tyson_S) November 1, 2012

https://twitter.com/tdaine/status/264012222710288384

#NaNoWriMoOpeners “All dogs CAN go to heaven,” I cried at Poopsie, “but it REQUIRES a profession of faith!” Poopsie blinked, uncomprehending

— David Malki ! (@malki) November 1, 2012

“Hey everybody it’s Guy Fieri and we’re about to jack off in all 50 states, right here, on Dildos, Dongles, and Dicks.”#NaNoWrimoOpeners

— pokecapn (@pokecapn) November 1, 2012

I,m a fox lady I’m superr hot but fox-like and I can shoot LASRERS FROM my EYES and this is my crazy storry #NanoWriMoOpeners

— Ӂ̴ (@sea_trash) November 1, 2012

“What do your elf eyes see?” asked Obi-Wan. Looking through the scope of his rifle, Legolas slyly answered, “Your mom.” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Dangus (@captaindangus) November 1, 2012

“Frederick Douglass,” Fox said with a grin, “welcome to Star Fox.” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— John (@double_wizard) November 1, 2012

Life was great when the only sandwich artist pick up artist in town. My life changed forever when Mongoose showed up.#NaNoWriMoOpeners

— kraut rockula (@DuncanIdunno) November 1, 2012

#NaNoWriMoOpeners It was a dark and stormy night in that ass.

— Kevin Marshall (@KevinMarshall) November 1, 2012

“Technically it IS a mouth”, said Ethan as we plummeted from the helicopter, “but you should definitely see a doctor.” #NanoWriMoOpeners

— Fake Chris Francis (@chrisfrancis27) November 1, 2012

This is the story of how Tails Got Trolled. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— A Cute Xmas Rappy (@genettic) November 1, 2012

“I love you,” said Ariel the mermaid, choking back tears. “I know,” responded Han, gripping his blaster, masculinely. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— inessentials (@inessentials) November 1, 2012

#NaNoWriMoOpeners The breakdancers were headspinning counterclockwise day and night, their order hellbent on stopping the Earth’s rotation

— A Tender Beefsteak (@TenderBeefsteak) November 1, 2012

“The democrats win by exactly 420 votes!” the newsreader cheered. Barack lowered his sunglasses and looked at Michelle. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Thom Rosell (@TriHugs) November 1, 2012

I took a long slug from my glass of bourbon and thought about the long-legged broad that just left my office. “Mhh. Gross” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Moon Doggie (@isntthatright) November 1, 2012

It’s here. It finally came. I waited for months, but it came. I’ll tell you what it is 60 pages from now. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Matt D. Blitzen (@HighMindedMW) November 1, 2012

Butts. So many butts. Butts for miles around. Butts once lost now found. Butts in the air and on the ground. Butts. Butts. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— King Jimmy (@Drakmarth) November 1, 2012

Gord looked out at the field of golden wheat. Each wheat was solid gold. “gold is valuable” he whispered #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Crimped Hair (@DinkMagic) November 1, 2012

Jerry is determined to hate the hotdog he ordered. He tries to hide a smile as he mentally writes a withering Yelp review. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Travis Bursik (@travisbursik) November 1, 2012

He’d just finished the best sexing he ever had. She lay there “Oh baby you’re amazing.” He was President of the World.#NaNoWrimoOpeners

— Nick Case (@Nick422) November 1, 2012

The leaves were falling. The air was crisp. He knew the world would never be the same. “America sux” he tweeted. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— valls bindaloo (@cowcaster) November 1, 2012

Master Chief grinned. How did I know he was grinning behind his helmet? Because actually, I was Master Chief.#NaNoWriMoOpeners

— stocking steffer(@boring_as_heck) November 1, 2012

i drained the soaked shirt into the fuel tank and rode off into the perspirated landscape. the SweatPunk returns #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— CoolBabyRat (@CoolBabyRat) November 1, 2012

“Fla-flash!” flashed the lightning. “Kraboom” replied the thunder. “Pisssss…pissss” peed the penis of the crime pisser #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Crimped Hair (@DinkMagic) November 1, 2012

The moment I opened Aunt Dulcinea’s musty antique tea kettle, I knew its thematic resonance would need 300 pages to unpack #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Andy Daglas (@AndyDaglas) November 1, 2012

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan used his farts to ascend the stairway, only to be greeted at the top by the…Space Ninjas… #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Prof. Fakename, OBE (@worstposterever) November 1, 2012

“Survived the plane crash!” said Nolan. But surprisingly Nolan is a baby. But he is the 1st Baby Serial Killer and is bad #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— :BrianMowrey: (@dvoted_hubsand) November 1, 2012

“You’ve invented a new, better form . . . of coal?” she whispered, as I fucked her gently on a gigantic pile of bitcoins. #NaNoWrimoOpeners

— scooter (@suitablyawesome) November 1, 2012

Next up: Volume 2 of the #NaNoWriMoOpeners.