“You’re tearing this family apart,” Matriarch Sonic told Tails, “with your shitty Christmas gifts of single rings wrapped in aluminum foil.” “It’s your fault!” said Tails. “You’re the subject of too many satirical National Novel Writing Month tweets!” Sonic almost smacked Tails across the face, but s/he knew it to be true. S/he and her/is fedora were bringing shame upon their suburban dynasty.

They barely calmed down for Thanksgiving dinner, both staring at their phones reading Slacktory’s picks of the best #NaNoWriMoOpeners tweets. They’d already devoured volume 1, and they now dug into the second course.

By 1:46 pm, John Hedge had sprayed Ebola on every cream dispenser in every Starbucks in Manhattan. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— colson whitehead (@colsonwhitehead) November 1, 2012

“Make MY monster grow!” Lord Zed roared as he and Rita did the sex. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— ghost (@DoubleWizard) November 1, 2012

A mix of friction and sweat from our rad sex had worn down her pubic hair. It looked like it spelled some words. “El Barto”#NaNoWriMoOpeners

— ＳＴＵＮＦＩＳＫ ＣＬＡＵＳ (@stunfisk_ebooks) November 1, 2012

It was teh best of times, it was teh worst of times lol #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— David Futrelle (@DavidFutrelle) November 1, 2012

I was sent back in time for a purpose. “Mr. MacFarlane,” I said, shaking him awake. “Seth. You’re gonna miss your flight.” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— stocking steffer(@boring_as_heck) November 1, 2012

“I will come back as a spirit,” he choked through the blood, “and bring some DIGNITY back to this anime club!” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Tony Basile (@ParallelComics) November 1, 2012

“One of us! One of us!” the trannies chanted as they unchained me and hauled my nude and buff bod to the operating table #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— I’m Mumbo :) (@mumbologist) November 1, 2012

google search for story google search for how to story google search for writing story google search for sex with objects #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— matt haas (@riotface) November 1, 2012

Rod Steel knew that even though he was an android and this was a space murder it would be a challenging case nonetheless. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Urple Pingo (@UrplePingo) November 1, 2012

“We’re all tweakers in the gutter, addicted to distraction, oblivious to truth.” The WalMart greeter had rehearsed this. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— IdiotBoy4Life (@IdiotBoy4Life) November 1, 2012

hahaha steve left his laptop open to his gayass writing thing fuck fuck shit turds ass ahaah #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— DESTROYMAN (@topbunkwanter) November 1, 2012

I woke up after a long night of doing sex all the ways and poured an alcohol. But the keys to my spaceship were missing! #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Andy Orin (@andyorin) November 1, 2012

This is the story of how I met Justin Bieber. #NaNoWriMoOpeners #Believe

— Nat Sowinski (@nothing_bagel) November 1, 2012

“Yes, a katana-fight,” sneered the class president. “We must see who is the proper gentleman to escort Yuki to prom.” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Tony Basile (@ParallelComics) November 1, 2012

Nearly pissed my kilt when Professor Gearbox informed me the velocipede was choogling at nearly twice the speed of Dawkins #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Gregory the GrapeNog (@leducviolet) November 1, 2012

“Lately, I’ve become SUCH a foodie,” he laughed while felling three putties with a crackling ki blast. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Tony Basile (@ParallelComics) November 1, 2012

As the movie played, the outline of Tom Servo’s body rose from beneath the seats’ silhouette. “Youre amazing” gasped Crow. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— DARYL FUCKING HALL (@dfh1979) November 1, 2012

The hover-train crash had left hundreds dead and mangled. There were only two survivors: me, and the dog from Wishbone. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— stocking steffer(@boring_as_heck) November 1, 2012

Canada. The name alone evokes fear. Can-a-da: it can be said with mouth agape, as one likely would with frozen nostrils. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— IdiotBoy4Life (@IdiotBoy4Life) November 1, 2012

He’d spent 30 years telling himself Star Trek was fiction. Now he had only 30 seconds to process that it was so very real. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Tony Basile (@ParallelComics) November 1, 2012

“Taxation is theft,” muttered Captain Picard as he trained the Enterprise phasers on the Federal Reserve #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— luke_ebooks (@brenempty) November 1, 2012

I realized that now was our time.If we wanted them to see, then all bronies would need to disappear, to “go Galt.”#NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Ben, but a Wenceslas (@franzferdinand2) November 1, 2012

“My name is a killing word” Boner Honkfarts exclaimed, withering the spice-making buttholes of every sand worm on Arrakis #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Boehner Hankforts (@bonerhonkfarts) November 1, 2012

https://twitter.com/mike_hugs/status/264064262996111361

https://twitter.com/idiot_teen/status/264064199934767104

https://twitter.com/brittonlowe/status/264063097478733824

#NaNoWriMoOpeners sext:

— john (@JohnDoesThings) November 1, 2012

“haven’t you heard,” i said, finaly cuming after 15 hours of solid fucking “nice guys finish last?” i don my fedora #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— KING KAVEMAN (@rev_revolvre) November 1, 2012

“Voldemort is back & a Walking Dead. We need an army.” Al Borland walked into Hogwarts with Riki Tiki Tavi. “Let’s do it.” #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— Kian (@VimVigorVitrol) November 1, 2012

https://twitter.com/amagiciannamedg/status/264062776069218304

Haha, I never know how to start these things, guys. Anyway my novel is about race realism in the late 00s chiptune scene. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— dogg we got manes (@_manes_) November 1, 2012

“Call me Ishmael,” he said. Then, in falsetto, “caw me baby Ishmael.” Then he started barking and flapping his arms. #NaNoWriMoOpeners

— This is Brian. (@heythisisbrian) November 1, 2012

https://twitter.com/rbelleme/status/264062127994728448

https://twitter.com/isntthatright/status/264061872863576064

https://twitter.com/roscow/status/264061396361281537

https://twitter.com/heythisisbrian/status/264061083625603072

https://twitter.com/enveloping/status/264061019528253441

https://twitter.com/blackenedasfvck/status/264060775893712896

https://twitter.com/meowshley/status/264060574390943744

https://twitter.com/churd_champ/status/264060445365772289

https://twitter.com/mrfaulty/status/264060390877585408

https://twitter.com/piss_wizard/status/264059399591575552

https://twitter.com/fl1pmagik/status/264058606553546753

https://twitter.com/brnwld/status/264058382229585921

https://twitter.com/pieandbeans/status/264058045724770305

https://twitter.com/jpmeyer/status/264084766490521601

Previously: Volume 1 of the #NaNoWriMoOpeners.