The black hole of Youtube can be the worst way to ruin an afternoon, or the best way to find some of the strangest things on the internet. For example, Maximus Thor.
The first video is unassuming enough–a young, blonde, permanently shirtless child (apparently named Maximus) hops along a jungle gym, then turns to the camera and, in the voice of a large black man, proclaims, “Hi, beeyatch!” But wait.
The historic birth of Jesus of Nazareth is nowhere near December 25th and the celebration of Christmas was just an attempt to pander to pagans who were accustomed to having Saturnalia around that time of year. Christmas might as well be a secular holiday. And there’s no shame in that. People like getting stuff, giving stuff, and enjoying each other’s company.
Chanukah isn’t a major Jewish event, but the psychotic consumer turbine of Christmas managed to suck up this oil-miracle non-event and spit it out as an opportunity for gift-giving one-upmanship (eight days, motherfucker!). And that’s ok too! Generosity should be a secular event.
So giving someone a religious Christmas card is antagonistic and sucks a lot of the fun out of an otherwise joyful event. There’s no need to loudly proclaim your religiosity on Christmas. If you’re that type of person, chances are everyone already knows your feelings about god-stuff and they’d like one day’s reprieve.
The massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary has pundits on both sides talking about gun laws. Kang screams about limiting availability of guns because they lead to horrible, awful tragedies like this one; Kodos rages about how owning more guns is the only way to stop tragic, awful horrors like this one. And no law gets passed in either direction.
So I—like the feeble arts-college kid I am—thought, instead of having to draft something that gets picked apart by legal experts, why not write a script for potential gun buyers and sellers to follow? You know, just like in telemarketing.
Shop Owner: Hey, good afternoon! Consumer: Hi there. I’d like to buy a gun please. Shop Owner: What were you interested in? Handgun? Rifle? Shotgun? Consumer: Hmm….. Shop Owner: Maybe something a bit more, er, exotic? Consumer: No no, I think a simple handgun will do. Shop Owner: Do you have an idea of what you’d be using it for? Consumer: Oh, “home defense”, of course. Shop Owner: *while loading 9mm Glock* Well this is the one they give to most police officers. It’s small but has enough stopping power to get the point across, if you know what I mean. Consumer: Haha, yeah I think I catch your drift. Shop Owner: So you’re decided? Consumer: Yup! Looks good! Shop Owner:*fires gun into consumers leg* Read the rest of the exchange. »