Clinton James

— 6 posts

2642 views, No comments

SpongeBob SquarePants Licks Everyone

2012/08/22

I believe it was famous rapper Ludacris who once said “I wanna l- l- l- lick you from your head to your toes.” You know who else wants to lick you? Hint: he lives in a prickly fruit under the sea. During the Olympics this year tumblr user Alzedte made a gif of hottie diver Tom Daley being licked by SpongeBob and it inspired me to think of what else that famous cartoon sponge might put his tongue on.

See SpongeBob lick everything. »
568 views, No comments
Top Announcements Thankfully Not Made at This Year’s Comic-Con

2012/07/23
1. Batman director Christopher Nolan reveals all Bane’s dialog will be dubbed over by Skrillex wub wubbing.
2. Hot off the heels of the success of “The Avengers” DC Comics reveals new franchise “Supermengers” featuring Superman in drag, Superman with green paint all over his face, and Superman in other assorted wigs and costumes.
3. Adventure Time to move to Nick Jr., focus mainly on teaching children how to count.
See the rest of the happily avoided Comic-Con announcements. »
4743 views, 2 comments

Updating Trashy Romance Novels to Match ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

2012/07/06

50 Shades of Grey is the iPhone of mainstream erotic literature — it changed the game, and now all the other not-entirely-explicit romance novels have to compete or die.

Luckily, Shades fans aren’t exactly the most attentive readers, so you can just find-and-replace with some BDSM terms, slick up the cover, and you’re good.

See five more updated ’50 Shades of Grey’-style romance novels. »
9555 views, 1 comment

The Life and Times of Tumblr Jesus

2012/06/18

Every day, Tumblr’s millions of users pick a new piece of pop culture to worship, desecrate, and repurpose. But what of our sacred texts and old traditions? Will they make sense in this Tumblr Universe?

Fear not, for I have updated one of our most beloved religious stories to ensure that our children and our children’s children understand. Behold:

Read the story of God’s only begotten Fuck Yeah blogger. »
1036 views, No comments

Slacktory Supercut: Spill Your Guts!

2012/06/06

On Nickelodeon Guts, host Mike O’Malley always interviewed one contestant. And he always introduced the segment with one simple phrase.

Watch Mike tell everybody to ‘Spill your guts!’ »
872 views, No comments

“America’s Got Talent” Spinoffs More Exciting Than the Original

2012/05/17

America’s Got Talent would’ve been a great idea for a television show in the year ____ (insert year where boring things were really exciting). But in the year 2012, a talent show, really? Where’s the controversy? The sex appeal? The gay sex appeal? As the show begins its seventh season this week, I think it’s high time we explore some other options. Options such as:

America’s Gotye Talent: Technically from Australia; as a workaround the show will be a clip of an American flag waving while “Somebody That I Used to Know” plays on repeat for an hour. A stretch, but still somehow better than watching AGT original formula.

See the seven other replacement shows. Next up: America’s GOB Talent. »