The new James Bond film, Skyfall, hits theaters tonight! It’s got a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes right now, which should be enough to pique your interest.
I caught a sneak preview a couple nights ago, and let me tell you right now: This is a good James Bond movie. That’s largely because it’s not like old James Bond movies. None of that old James Bond shit would work today.
We just can’t be wowed with shoe phones anymore. Sean Connery basically used to get gadgets from the Sharper Image 10 years before they existed. What could Daniel Craig possibly receive from Q that would excite the audience? An iPhone 7?
Slacktory’s editor-in-chief Nick lives in New York City. With Hurricane Sandy having left millions of people on the East Coast without power, we were a little worried. Fortunately, Nick let us know he’s doing fine, but that he’s currently without power and cell phone service. The important thing, however, is that he’s safe, so now we can lightly poke fun at his situation.
Here’s what I think he might be doing to occupy his time while he’s without electricity and internet:
Using a battery-powered strobe light to recreate popular animated GIFs by himself in front of a mirror
Leaving real life YouTube comments by shouting “Fail!” out the window at his flooded neighborhood
Creating a “Slacktory Supercut” of the wackiest Ron Weasley moments by physically cutting and pasting together passages from actual Harry Potter books in his living room
Forcing a desperate new meme in his apartment, “Scumbag Electricity”, by taping handwritten words to a lamp. “WON’T TURN ON” / “OH GOD PLEASE TURN BACK ON”
Sobbing in the dark
Playing “Angry Batteries,” a new game in which he throws dead batteries at a pile of unusable electronics
Scribbling racist comments under local newspaper articles so they read just like online news
Reading quietly by candlelight, appreciating the peace and quiet that comes with the internet not being there to distract you every goddamn second
If there’s one thing we all know about spam emails, it’s this: Spam robots want to talk about your wiener. They want to sell pills for your wiener, or they want to touch your wiener and you should really click through to their profile; they’re just so lonely and a good wiener touch is all they want.
For over a decade, spam emails have focused on sex and hookups and porn and V 1 A G R A, all in an attempt to speak to your most basic carnal desires. That’s all I thought they ever did.
At least I thought that up until yesterday, when I finally got a mature spam email.
Remember when Glenn Beck had a TV show? He was crying all the time, and telling old people to put gold in mattresses, and just being a big ol’ right-wing goofball. Golly, I wonder what that fear monger’s been up to lately!
I mean, he’s still on the radio, right? I can only assume. Scared people LOVE the radio. And then beyond that, what could he be doing? Writing fan fiction about American presidents? Crying into flags? Participating in a lot of hot dog eating contests? Isn’t that how you’d imagine rich fat guys to spend their time? Kickin’ back with hot dogs?
Turns out, his next project is none of those things.
Italian seismologists set the country’s official Earthquake Forecast to “Never” and advised everyone to just hang out, reveals the report at the center of seven manslaughter convictions over the 2009 L’Aquila earthquake. “Nothing but good times ahead,” they pinky swore.
“There definitely won’t be an earthquake soon. We promise. Everybody stay here and sit under the heaviest part of your roof, because this earth ain’t quakin’, we swear.
“We checked the Earth plates and were like ‘Cool. Totally cool.’ Then we fired up the grill and got ready to kick it.”
At the time of their arrest, the seismologists were setting up top-heavy bookcases, flatscreen TVs and full-length mirrors in the middle of the room.
That last time you meet up with an ex so she can give you all your stuff back is like when you unsubscribe from a mailing list and then they send you that one final “you’ve been successfully unsubscribed” email.
Only nobody’s ever accidentally had sex with that final email. “I don’t know what happened! I just saw that newsletter and all those old feelings and habits came back! I just banged that email, right there on the table.”
The other day I was reading Nick’s post about probable masturbation euphemisms on the goal-tracking app Lift. The gist of the post is that some folks on the no-masturbation subreddit r/nofap created a goal called something like “Don’t masturbate” and the app’s creator took notice and said something nice about how they’re using the app. And that sure was nice of him.
But wait. There’s a no-masturbation subreddit? As in, that is enough of a common thing for people to get together and talk about it? Like they just hang out and not masturbate together? That… that is different. So I looked into it.
Somewhere in corporate America there exists a team of conference call all-stars. These heroes have the bravery, the panache to have loud call-in meetings all the time, no matter what’s going on around them.
What follows is a transcript of one of their legendary meetings.
Speakerphone: “Speakerphone here! I’ve secured a meeting room with Open Door, and we’ve dialed in and set our call to be on the highest volume setting of speakerphone. Open Door, can you close the door so nobody can hear our loud, daily check-in meeting?”
Open Door: “Nah, we should be fine.”
Speakerphone: “Who have we got on the call? Hi Who Joined, are you there?”
Hi Who Joined: “Hi Who Joined here! Hi. I joined.”
I hope you’re familiar with Nathan Barnatt. He enjoys dancing and classic video games. We’ve posted about him a few times on the Slacktory Tumblr; his dance videos are so fun and well-edited they make me want to learn two things: how to dance and how to edit video.
His new video, released yesterday – National Voter Registration Day – seems passively pro-Obama (he’s wearing an Obama mask). But that’s not what matters. What matters is that Nathan Barnatt made another silly dancing video and that you get to watch it.