Kris Moore

— 18 posts

Kris Moore is a comic book writer, blogger and geek living in the Metro-Detroit area. K-Mo is reponsible for creating the indy comic series SCIENCE GIRL and the upcoming comic anthology SATURDAY MORNING SNACK ATTACK! He is currently maintaining two things at once-- a blog at K is for Komics and a fantastically furry beard.

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When did Cher become a cyborg?

2012/12/19

The 90s Guy is a column by a man living in the 1990s.

Holy shit! I turned around for like five minutes and Cher has become some kind of cybernetic angel-being from the future.

Like, I know she hasn’t really done much lately (other than that weird duet with Beavis and Butthead) but I didn’t know she was taking a break so she could undergo an experimental procedure to bring her that much closer to a state of pure electronic omniscience.

I mean, you’ve heard that Believe song, right?

If you haven’t heard it yet, you should check your TV Guide… »
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The secret, creepy job of Mrs. Claus

2012/12/11

You know Dasher and Dancer, Santa and Jesus, Rudolph and Frosty and Yukon Cornelius. But do you recall any substantial detail about Mrs. Claus at all?

As the mere default female of the Christmas bunch, Mrs. Claus is vaguely defined and her role in the holiday season seems completely inconsequential. For some reason, Christmas is like the ultimate sausage fest. There are about two dozen different characters associated with the holiday season and almost all of them carry a Y chromosome. I mean, even your average Nativity Scene has more sheep than women.

The only concrete fact that we know about Mrs. Claus is that she’s Santa’s wife. She has no children, no job and no use for the immortality that was bestowed upon her. Unless she was already immortal to begin with. Or maybe she’s not immortal and Mrs. Claus is just a title given to whomever Santa is exclusively banging at the time. Or maybe she’s just Santa Claus in drag.

Any one of these scenarios is plausible since we don’t know anything about her. »
2030 views, 2 comments

The 24 types of Christmas movies you’ll see on TV this year

2012/12/07

When TV shows break for the holiday season, what remains is an entertainment vacuum that is quickly filled up with Christmas movies. From now until 2013, whenever you flip through the channels you’ll come across a wide array of different Christmas movies — some good, some bad and some not even Christmas movies to begin with.

Here are the 24 types of Christmas movies you’ll inevitably encounter on TV this holiday season, whether you like it or not.

1. Classic Christmas Movies – The vintage stuff your grandparents like to watch this time of year like White Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street. The standard Christmas movies we’ve been watching for the past umpteen years, where people sing and dance and decide not to kill themselves at the end.

2. Animated Christmas Specials – Charlie Brown, Frosty the Snowman, the Grinch — the usual crowd. It’s not going to feel like Christmas unless you see them and you’re definitely not going to see them because who the hell even knows when they play that shit anymore. Like 6 PM on a Saturday in November?

Read about Claymation Christmas specials, and the 21 other kinds of Christmas movie. »
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The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim are nothing like the movie

2012/11/19

The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

When I heard they were making a real NHL team based on The Mighty Ducks, I got really excited. I totally thought this was going to change everything, like how Happy Gilmore changed the sport of golf — only in real life and with hockey instead. I thought the NHL would become more fun and sarcastic and like, I don’t know, demographically diverse I guess.

But the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim are just like any other boring NHL team. They don’t ever quack to get themselves pumped up, there seems to be little to no focus on the patented triple deke technique, and they have yet to ever skate in a flying V formation.

If I’m watching a hockey team called the Mighty Ducks, then somebody better be using a lasso at some point. »
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“Step by Step” is basically just “The Brady Bunch”

2012/11/14

The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

Nice try, Patrick Duffy!

I’m onto your little ruse. I saw that little stunt you and Suzanne Somers pulled last Friday night during TGIF. And once others wise up to your scheme you’re gonna be in some deep shit.

First of all you named your show Step by Step but then you didn’t use the New Kids on the Block song of the same name in any capacity, which is just a total waste. But even worse than that, you completely ripped off The Brady Bunch and you didn’t even do a good job of hiding it.

Let’s look at the evidence. »
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I just finished a “Goosebumps” book and now I can’t sleep

2012/11/12

The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

Dude, I just got done reading the freakiest Goosebumps book and now I can’t sleep.

I don’t want to relive the experience so I’ll save you the goriest of details, but like it all started out when some kids had to like go to this new place that they were unfamiliar with. At first it all seemed okay and like there were all these new people to meet and they seemed cool.

But then — I shit you not — all sorts of fucked things started to happen. »
593 views, 1 comment

I’m a horrible Tamagotchi parent

2012/11/07

The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

So like, does anybody else just get the sick notion that maybe they should just let their Tamagotchi die?

I mean, I was all excited when I found out I could be the parent of a real digital lifeform and I knew this would be hard work, but I was ready to commit. Now I can’t help but think that maybe the Tamagotchi species was meant to die off.

They basically scammed us into taking care of them — feeding them, playing with them, giving them medicine when they catch spooky floating skull syndrome. Without us the entire species would languish and die, but as the most intelligent lifeforms on the planet isn’t it our duty to protect lesser species from extinction if we can help it? Wouldn’t the end of the Tamagotchi species upset the entire digital ecosystem?

Because if not, I say… »
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How to Cheat at POGs

2012/11/05

The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

So like, whoever told you that POGs was a game of skill did not have your best interests at heart. You’re probably sitting there with your Bigfoot Slammer and your amazing wrist-flick trick that you swear makes the POGs land face-up every time, but none of that means anything dude.

Because POGs is a battle of wits.

My strategy: flat-out cheat. »
2422 views, 1 comment

Steve Urkel wasn’t a geek. He was a powerful sorcerer.

2012/10/30

If you were a kid watching Family Matters in the 90’s, you probably never called the show by its proper name. It was common to just lazily refer to the show by the name of its most popular character — Steve Urkel.

That’s because what started out as an innocuous sitcom about a working class black family living in Chicago was hastily and sloppily retooled to showcase the breakout character of Steve Urkel. However, since Urkel was sort of a one-note geek, the show quickly devolved into some sort of science-fantasy farce featuring clones, transformation chambers, time-travel and evil sentient ventriloquist dummies.

In fact, the show went so completely over the top with these ridiculous concepts that the viewer can only be left with one logical conclusion.

Steve Urkel is a damn witch.

Read how Steve’s most famous inventions are all sorcery. »
676 views, 1 comment

How are they going to top “Batman and Robin”?

2012/10/24

The 90s Guy is a column by a guy in the 1990s.

If you haven’t seen “Batman and Robin” yet, you should because it’s the best superhero movie ever made.

It’s got action, it’s got heart, it’s got guys frequently ice skating around — they really spared no expense to make this the most colorful, zany, trippy comic movie of all time.

First of all Gotham City has never looked better — there’s like giant behemoth statues holding up all the buildings and everything has been cast in neon-colored spotlights.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a crazy ice robot looking for diamonds to cure his sick wife. He’s just brutal in this movie. He’s all giant and imposing, but he’s also got like a likeable side. He says a lot of puns to let you know that he’s not like a totally evil guy. He’s just a blue dude trying to save his wife.

And could you cast a better Batman than George Clooney? »