Scott C. Reynolds

— 8 posts

Scott is a writer who used to be a software developer. His parents have a vague idea that he "does something with computers", which is close enough that he doesn't feel like he needs to clarify. Follow him on Twitter: @scottadhoc

792 views, No comments

18 Maxims From the Motivational Mayan Calendar, A Last-Days Advice Meme

2012/02/14

Motivational Mayan Calendar feels bad about his role in the end of life as we know it, so he’s making it up to us by giving us words of wisdom to help us accept our fate and maybe even survive, if not thrive, on post-apocalyptic earth.

Take his advice and stop sweating the small stuff so we can enjoy our last year as earth’s dominant species. Listen and be prepared for what comes next, just in case you live to see it.

Read the Mayan Calendar’s advice, for the little time that it will matter. »
3885 views, 9 comments

Let Me Tell You About That WoW Gold Seller Who Hacked Your Account

2012/01/09

UPDATE: “Let Me Tell You” is a series of fiction pieces about internet villain archetypes, unintended to be interpreted as real. We apologize to new readers who were confused.

You logged on just in time to make it to the raid. You were excited, because based on last night’s attempts, you were confident that your guild would take down Deathwing and plant his jawbone in the middle of Orgrimmar. As you headed to the auction house to buy flasks, something struck you as odd. You were naked. Perplexed, you opened the character screen and saw that, were it not for your guild tabard, your rotting Forsaken private bits would be on display for the whole world. Of Warcraft.

A little more frantic now, you opened your bags. Empty, save for a few stacks of teleportation runes. You blinked to the bank, where your worst fears were confirmed: you were hacked. Your guild might be taking down Deathwing, but they were going to do it without you. Naked mage DPS is slightly worse than even arms warrior DPS. You would have to suffer the indignity of being benched for the night while your comrades gathered to take down the terror of Azeroth. Staring blankly at the computer screen, lost in the despair of losing your raid spot, you wished a thousand and one deaths on whomever was evil enough to do such a thing to you.

Jiang was the eldest son of a peasant family in southern China. »
1694 views, 5 comments

Let Me Tell You About That Spammer You Just Deleted

2011/10/17

Mobutu is Congolese. He has an MBA from Wharton and a Master’s in Computer Science from MIT. He’s been working tirelessly for a decade to reinvigorate the economy and the people of his native land. And he’s the reason an email about Cialis just beat your spam filter.

Let me tell you what you just did. You monster. »
3507 views, 1 comment

Governor Rick Perry Teaches You American History

2011/10/13

After Tuesday night’s GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry showed off his masterful grasp of American history while talking to the press, instantly spawning a #perryhistory meme on Twitter.

#perryhistory: all the fun of Troll Quotes with the added horror that this guy miiiiight become President.

Learn about the battle of Davey Jones and Sancho Panza. »
1725 views, 5 comments

Let Me Tell You About That “Creeper” on Your Facebook

2011/09/26

Let Me Tell You is a new series where Scott C. Reynolds gives you the backstory on the people you hate online.

Jason is a freelance photographer. He’s a Big Brother to a Brooklyn boy who has never known a father. A couple of months ago his girlfriend of four years cheated on him. He found out about it the day before he had planned to propose. He’s a good guy who’s been fighting through some tough times to try to pick up the pieces of his broken life. 10 minutes ago you dealt him a devastating blow when you and your friends mocked him mercilessly on Facebook for being, in your estimation, a “creeper”.

Let me explain what you just did. You utter monster. »
20571 views, No comments

Classic Literary Moments as Memes

2011/09/06

The modern reader is watching YouTube instead. Anything beyond 500 words is a “wall of text” that’s “tl;dr.” Art must adapt to survive, so we are taking steps to preserve great works of literature for our idiocratic society. The prose may perish, but the spirit will be preserved.

It was the WINnest of times, it was the FAILest of times. »
484 views, No comments

Last Call at Tom’s Bar

2011/08/15

A sort of science fiction story.

“It’s been hard since everyone disappeared. I searched for them all, for days, until I collapsed from exhaustion. They were all just…gone.”

He looked up from his beer and stared at the pretty but damaged girl across the table. His face was too weary to hide the pain that used to only escape from the scars under the long sleeves of his faded black Against Me! t-shirt. His companion absent-mindedly stirred her Long Island and stared in the general direction of the band.

“We’ve all lost people close to us. You aren’t special in that regard.” She had the practiced monotone of someone who has spent years perfecting a jaded outlook.

“I know, but 168 friends don’t just…vanish. There’s something going on here.”

Keep drinking. »
1745 views, 29 comments

Paleosilicate Pornography: Ancient Internet Man’s Search for Stimulation

2011/07/19

Our multidisciplinary team of Internet anthropologists, archaeologists and linguists has uncovered a cache of ancient README files and Usenet logs dating from 1996 that sheds new light on the hardships faced by paleosilicate man (Homo Altavistas) in his hunt for pornography and highlights the differences between him and modern man (Homo Googlus) as pertains to the consumption of Internet pornography.

We now know that paleosilicate web-assisted masturbatory sessions were vastly different than the modern practice. While some practices have survived, passed through generations of oral tradition, most of the ancient ways were thought to be lost to antiquity.

Continue this fascinating study. »