Ted Pillow

1. Start by placing the tie around your neck so that the wide end hangs down about a foot lower than the narrow end.

2. Quickly but thoroughly die on the inside. Actually feel your soul draining from your body and dripping out of your pores like sweat.

3. Next, take the wide end and pull it across the narrow end.

4. All of the other men in the office wear ties. In fact, it’s specifically mandated in the Employee Handbook under “Dress Code,” subsection “Males.” But the other men’s ties are always nicer than yours; made of finer quality material, comprised of richer hues, featuring repeated arrays of distinguished polo players or exotic animals. These are elegant ties with knots so intricate you wouldn’t even know how to begin replicating them. Your tie looks like the Men’s Department at Target took a shit on your chest.

5. Breathe deeply. Try to ignore the way your entire chest quavers as you exhale. »