Stephen King and Neil Gaiman show up to a book club in Meghan O’Neill’s newest “PICTURES” sketch.
Posts Tagged books
Below are real quotes from the Home Alone novelizations. We’re not kidding, you can fact-check. — Ed.
So we’re all on the same page here, right? We’ve all been in this situation? You’re on a stroll, you see a moldy box of books on the side of the road, and you have yourself a rummage, yeah? Usually the box is full of pre-highlighted textbooks about torts and those supermarket paperbacks where the cover artwork sinisterly depicts, like, a single stiletto heel, dangling over a silver platter serving up a wedding ring with a side of recently-shot handgun. But sometimes one can find a real piece of literature in this urine-soaked excuse for a Barnes and Noble.
Sometimes maybe two.
And, in my case, sometimes even 2: Lost in New York.
That’s right, my latest side-of-the-road finds were the junior novelizations of both Home Alone and its sequel Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
I was eager to see how the authors handled reinterpreting such weighty source material. I soon found that the written-out descriptions of everyone’s favorite booby-trap scenes, rendered so cartoonish and light hearted in the family holiday films, feature more harrowing grisly violence and pitch black malevolence than an uncatered prison race riot.
The following, in no particular order, are direct excerpts from both of these books. Please read them as though they’re from the first draft of a continuation of the Saw franchise, or from the point of view of someone live-tweeting a snuff film.
Concept by Matt Jurns
Yesterday, Twitter users listed fake last lines from famous books.
I’m not sure whether this tag started as something sincere; after a while there were plenty of people quoting the actual ends of all the Hunger Games and Harry Potter. But there were also all these good jokes:
“Gold, silver, platinum? Gauche. The classics are iron, silicon, carbon. Those are the elements of style.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
— James Callan (@scarequotes) November 13, 2012
And the last and most important rule: If you drink the last of the cider house coffee, make another pot. #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
— Charles R. Kaiser (@ckaiserca) November 13, 2012
The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.
Dude, I just got done reading the freakiest Goosebumps book and now I can’t sleep.
I don’t want to relive the experience so I’ll save you the goriest of details, but like it all started out when some kids had to like go to this new place that they were unfamiliar with. At first it all seemed okay and like there were all these new people to meet and they seemed cool.
- Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Open Marriage
- Encyclopedia Brown Goes to Mars
- Encyclopedia Brown Takes it Off
- Encyclopedia Brown Redefines Rape
- Encyclopedia Brown Just Breathes
- Encyclopedia Brown: New Moon
- Encyclopedia Brown’s Book of Wacky Ex-Girlfriends
- Encyclopedia Brown and the Case That’s Actually Pretty Damn Small, So Stop and Think If You Need Him
- Encyclopedia Brown Stops and Frisks
- Encyclopedia Brown Has a Wank
- Encyclopedia Brown Drives Drunk
- You’re a Good Man, Encyclopedia Brown
- Encyclopedia Brown Cries Himself to Sleep
Photo by jl.incrowd on Flickr
Take a photograph of your girlfriend or boyfriend, wife or husband or lover. Now, pixelate it — run it through an image processor on a computer. They dissolve into art when pixelized, don’t they? Into squares and abstract images of themselves. What does it all mean? Who can even answer these questions?
Below are ten all-new covers for famous novels, all rendered in pixelated form (building off the great work of artists at Make Pixel Art), as the makers of video games in 1983 might have rendered them. This combines my love of literature with my love of old video games, which I’ve explored here before. Enjoy.
- Swimwear matched to book covers. The idea’s good enough, but the execution is impeccable. [MATCHBOOK]
- “Will’s piece on Santorum goes viral. Mackenzie’s Macbook keeps doing that spinny wheel thing when she tries to open Outlook.” “Will’s contract is up for renewal. The girls’ menses attract lions to the office.” [@HBONewsroom on Twitter].
- “A lot of you have been asking about my beauty routine well here it is when I wake up in the morning I bathe my face in milk and then bacon fat to keep it well hydrated haha and then before I go to bed I meditate at dusk by the light of the moon and then bathe my face in a solution of my own tears and ammonia that I have kept in this vintage crystal bottle I found on Etsy omg” — Things We Might Read on a Fashion Blog [This Recording]
- Katie Heaney, funny Twitter user and author of The Hairpin’s “Reading Between the Texts” column, has a book coming out. [KatieHeaney.com]
- An elegant video comments on Olympic hurdler Michelle Jenneke without words. [Uproxx]
- Adrian Chen makes fun of Andy Borowitz, New Yorker “comedian”. [Gawker]
- Chris Menning debunks the idea that the Aurora, CO shooter dressed like the Joker. [Modern Primate]