Posts Tagged “death”

Man Ingests 10 lbs of Bacon Rectally, Dies

“I blame Reddit,” stated Sheila, childhood friend and next door neighbor of the Flahertys. “Every time someone posts something with bacon on it, people act like it’s the greatest thing, like they’ve never seen obscene amounts of bacon before. It’s like, look, I get it. Bacon is good. That’s objectively true. No one is saying that it isn’t. It’s just that there’s no need to fake an orgasm every time someone posts a picture of bacon. But with Josh… you just couldn’t tell him when enough was enough. As long as the Internet patronizes this kind of behavior, showering people with upvotes for bacon, people like [Joshua] will take it to new extremes.”

Read the rest of the tragedy at Modern Primate.
- - 2012/04/24 at 11:52 am
  - by Nick Douglas
- - 2927 views
  - No comments
- Filed under:Data Points
Twitter’s Best Jokes About Dick Clark’s Death

Man, remember when “too soon” was a thing?

Dick Clark has died. Now we can not ring in the New Year anymore. Well played, Mayans, well played…

— Philip Johnson (@Jiddy7) April 18, 2012

I wish you were all dead so I could make fun of you on Twitter.

— donni(@donni) April 18, 2012

Ryan Seacrest holding strategy meeting to properly calibrate “emotion” in his Dick Clark statement.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) April 18, 2012

@robdelaney Seacrest is more likely busy feasting on Clark’s still fresh heart in order to absorb the Hosting Powers for himself.

— KateMiddletonJr (@imranwsheikh) April 18, 2012

Read over a dozen more Twitter jokes about Dick Clark’s death. »
- - 2012/04/18 at 6:08 pm
  - by Nick Douglas
- - 19461 views
  - 10 comments
- Filed under:Twitter Tropes
Ask an Evil Genie: Get Me Laid

ec wishes: dear evil genie, can you get me laid? it has binawhile

Evil Genie replies: A darkly handsome man wearing a well-cut black suit picks you up in one swift motion and lays you out on a velvety cushion. He forces your hands to your sides and holds you there. You let him control you, doing what he pleases with your flesh, moving you to his whims and desires. You silently and thoughtlessly obey his every push and pull. He secures you, and you can’t move a muscle. Your entire body is rigid in anticipation of what is to come.

“Don’t move,” he says, and laughs a little.

As you lie still, he lavishes you with attention, tending to every inch of your body… »
- - 2012/04/13 at 8:00 am
  - by Meredith Haggerty
- - 193 views
  - No comments
- Filed under:Ask an Evil Genie
Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish Coffee Didn’t Keep Me Up

Inventor of Post-its wishes: Dear Evil Genie, Hi. Love your work. I’d like to be able to drink coffee after 5pm and not end up being up all night. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

The Evil Genie replies: When you arrive home from work at 5:32 pm on this lovely Monday and start brewing yourself some hazelnut coffee with almond milk, you have a faint belief that that you’ll still find yourself awake late into the night. Sure, you’ve seen me destroy countless lives, wreak havoc on world governments, and even eff ess up for the most powerful people in the world (celebrities), but this is coffee we’re talking about. Coffee.

So, after taking the first sip, you’re pretty surprised when you wake up 16 hours later, having passed out in your bed. How did you even get in here? Who put you in this nightgown? Do you even own a nightgown? You’re exceedingly late for work and hideously overtired. You throw on regular clothes, brush your teeth and grab a fresh cup of jav — and now it’s Wednesday. This time, you’re wearing an old-fashioned sleeping cap. You know you don’t have one of those.

You’ve missed a day of work and you’re not entirely sure how to wake yourself up… »
- - 2012/03/26 at 10:00 am
  - by Meredith Haggerty
- - 161 views
  - 4 comments
- Filed under:Ask an Evil Genie
Kim Jong Il Looking at Things in the Afterlife (NSFW)

The news broke last night that North Korean Dictator, Kim Jong Il, has died at age 69. Slacktory may not have gotten the scoop on his passing, but we did get an exclusive on Kim Jong Il’s tour of the afterlife.

You may recall that Kim Jong Il had a passion for looking at things. Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean Kim Jong Il doesn’t want to keep looking at stuff. Being the controlling dictator that he was, Kim Jong Il was very adamant that his final resting place be exactly to his liking.

Kim’s first stop was Heaven. »
- - 2011/12/19 at 12:14 pm
  - by Nate Smith
- - 15845 views
  - 4 comments
- Filed under:Stupid Pictures
The Best Twitter Jokes About Kim Jong-Il’s Death

Kim Jong-Il, dictator of North Korea, died of “overwork” hahahaha ugh. Here are some tweets.

http://twitter.com/Mike_FTW/status/148611751078936576

http://twitter.com/FriendFromHS/status/148609543184719872

Read more tweets for glorious victory. »
- - 2011/12/18 at 10:59 pm
  - by Nick Douglas
- - 21153 views
  - 9 comments
- Filed under:Twitter
Here Are Your “Andy Rooney Died” Twitter Jokes

You liked the jokes after Steve Jobs’s death, you’ll like the jokes after Andy Rooney’s death too. This is not about making light of death — it’s about connecting over a shared event, like the passing of a man who would have been perfect on Twitter, if he hadn’t thought Twitter was the name of Justin Bieber’s girlfriend.

https://twitter.com/#!/badbanana/status/132841511158157312

Read 13 more. »
- - 2011/11/05 at 11:24 am
  - by Nick Douglas
- - 1202 views
  - 3 comments
- Filed under:Twitter
Oscar the Grouch Dies of AIDS

Yesterday Sesame Street introduced Lily, a one-time character to illustrate “food insecurity” — poverty-induced malnutrition. She’s not the only Sesame Street character to experience the harsh realities of urban life.

Oscar the Grouch’s pulse was weak but steady, which was a relief to all of his friends from Sesame Street who were crowded in the tiny hospital room. It was crowded because his life as an itinerant vagrant with an unemployable trash fetish had left him penniless and unable to cover his medical bills, and there were fucking heaps of medical bills, because Oscar the Grouch had AIDS.

It was horrific, no doubt. »
- - 2011/10/10 at 8:00 am
  - by Max Lavergne
- - 2036 views
  - 3 comments
- Filed under:Fiction
The Worst Twitter Jokes About Steve Jobs’s Death

We showed you the good ones. Now here are the awful ones.

Thanks to Twitter user “doctor_ass” for thinking “I wonder if a bunch of Twitter users are making Steve Holt/Steve Jobs jokes”, checking, and retweeting what he found.

https://twitter.com/#!/amawaster/status/121893615868985344

https://twitter.com/#!/myprblm_urprblm/status/121802348933808130

https://twitter.com/#!/IML337/status/121785751833812992

Read more terrible jokes! Why? You don’t know! »
- - 2011/10/06 at 12:02 pm
  - by Nick Douglas
- - 31463 views
  - 50 comments
- Filed under:Twitter Tropes
The Best Twitter Jokes About Steve Jobs’s Death (Too Soon Edition)

There was plenty of respectful mourning on Twitter last night. But there were also jokes. Be warned, you’ll be offended by some of these. Most are respectful but a few are… irreverent. We teach the controversy!

https://twitter.com/#!/vhata/status/121941307303268353

http://twitter.com/#!/Glinner/status/121786506468802560

Read eleven more, cry all over your tasteful wireless keyboard. »
- - 2011/10/06 at 10:00 am
  - by Nick Douglas
- - 58151 views
  - 43 comments
- Filed under:Twitter