So… how was your Thanksgiving? Looking forward to Christmas with the family?
Posts Tagged holidays
#1. Religious Cards
The historic birth of Jesus of Nazareth is nowhere near December 25th and the celebration of Christmas was just an attempt to pander to pagans who were accustomed to having Saturnalia around that time of year. Christmas might as well be a secular holiday. And there’s no shame in that. People like getting stuff, giving stuff, and enjoying each other’s company.
Chanukah isn’t a major Jewish event, but the psychotic consumer turbine of Christmas managed to suck up this oil-miracle non-event and spit it out as an opportunity for gift-giving one-upmanship (eight days, motherfucker!). And that’s ok too! Generosity should be a secular event.
So giving someone a religious Christmas card is antagonistic and sucks a lot of the fun out of an otherwise joyful event. There’s no need to loudly proclaim your religiosity on Christmas. If you’re that type of person, chances are everyone already knows your feelings about god-stuff and they’d like one day’s reprieve.
A Slacktory original by Aaron Nevins.
You know Dasher and Dancer, Santa and Jesus, Rudolph and Frosty and Yukon Cornelius. But do you recall any substantial detail about Mrs. Claus at all?
As the mere default female of the Christmas bunch, Mrs. Claus is vaguely defined and her role in the holiday season seems completely inconsequential. For some reason, Christmas is like the ultimate sausage fest. There are about two dozen different characters associated with the holiday season and almost all of them carry a Y chromosome. I mean, even your average Nativity Scene has more sheep than women.
The only concrete fact that we know about Mrs. Claus is that she’s Santa’s wife. She has no children, no job and no use for the immortality that was bestowed upon her. Unless she was already immortal to begin with. Or maybe she’s not immortal and Mrs. Claus is just a title given to whomever Santa is exclusively banging at the time. Or maybe she’s just Santa Claus in drag.
When TV shows break for the holiday season, what remains is an entertainment vacuum that is quickly filled up with Christmas movies. From now until 2013, whenever you flip through the channels you’ll come across a wide array of different Christmas movies — some good, some bad and some not even Christmas movies to begin with.
Here are the 24 types of Christmas movies you’ll inevitably encounter on TV this holiday season, whether you like it or not.
1. Classic Christmas Movies – The vintage stuff your grandparents like to watch this time of year like White Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street. The standard Christmas movies we’ve been watching for the past umpteen years, where people sing and dance and decide not to kill themselves at the end.
2. Animated Christmas Specials – Charlie Brown, Frosty the Snowman, the Grinch — the usual crowd. It’s not going to feel like Christmas unless you see them and you’re definitely not going to see them because who the hell even knows when they play that shit anymore. Like 6 PM on a Saturday in November?
I love a good urban legend. I especially love when an urban legend refuses to die, even though it’s been debunked a thousand times over. The internet has given rebirth to hundreds upon hundreds of legends that died back in the 80s. I know, because my mother sends me a dozen emails a day documenting these lies and rumors as truth.
A good urban legend starts off as something real, perhaps a mild little incident that took place in a small town. It’s like a game of telephone. One person says “there was a robbery” and before you know it, ten different neighbors are reporting they know someone who knows someone who saw the robbery and it wasn’t just a robbery, it was also a carjacking and by the end of the day four prisoners escaped from the jail, were thrown weapons from a helicopter rented by an accomplice, robbed a jewelry store/Carvel/florist/drug store, kidnapped a teacher, robbed a car with an FBI agent in it and a baby in the back seat, set a house on fire, killed a cop, started the war between Pakistan and India, fixed the 1918 World Series, stole the Stanley Cup and pissed in it, brought down the Roman Empire, dug up Jimmy Hoffa and shot both J.R. and Mr. Burns. This will all be recorded as fact because someone’s neighbor’s sister’s boyfriend’s gym teacher saw it happen.
It’s a holiday! We ain’t posting here. Deputy editor Henry Birdseye is putting up classic memes and videos on our Tumblr all day. Go read that! And follow the Tumblr! It’s always got stuff we don’t post here.
“Passive Voice Day” was first mentioned, probably first conceived, by Shaun McCance on his blog. The day may have been observed before, but I certainly hadn’t been informed. And this year the idea is being spread on Tumblr and by Language Log.
Passive Voice Day could be considered “Talk Like a Pirate Day” for grown-ups. It’s not needed to look like any fun is being had.
So I’d be honored and gratified (the conditional passive was just used there, were you filled with envy?) by your participation.
Tweets should be sent by you (passive imperative) in the passive voice! Blog posts should be written in same! Company is loved by misery.
Photo taken from Towson University