Slacktory

Posts Tagged “letters”

  1. mathematician from the movie Pi

    I Will Take Full Advantage of This Estimated Power Bill

    Dear Consolidated Edison,

    Thank you for your estimated power bill for the month of June. I see that although I used my air conditioner minimally, used only one light at a time, and was on vacation for a week, you “estimated” my power bill at $153.22.

    I see that your estimations are not based on figures from this reality, but from some astral plane where numbers are colors and the laws of magic prevail. I am in little risk of my energy use being accurately measured and charged for in this realm, where an alarm clock draws more power than an HDTV.

    I have turned on said HDTV, and I will not be turning it off. (Read on.) »

  2. Josh Fonner

    The Potato Letters: Josh Fonner Writes to “I Can Count to Potato” Victim

    Slacktory’s Brad O’Farrell wrote about Heidi Crowter, the girl whose picture was used in the “I can count to potato” meme, and whom the Sun recently irresponsibly publicized. I asked Josh Fonner, who gave several interviews this year about being used in two mean “fat” memes, to write some advice from one meme victim to another.

    We post a lot of satire here, but the following is real. Josh wrote one open letter to comfort Heidi, then chastised her mother in another. His opinions are, of course, his own.

    Dear Heidi,

    You don’t know me, but we have something in common. We’ve both been made fun of by a lot of mean people on the internet. I just wanted to write you a short letter to try to cheer you up. I understand you’re probably sad and upset about what you’ve seen in the past few days. Don’t let it get you down. I’ve had my pictures stolen and used in hurtful ways too, but the GREAT part of it is, none of these people have EVER made fun of me in real life. My advice to you Heidi, if this meme hurts you, live your life like you never found out about it. People will forget it ever happened. Just be the lovely, kind, gentle hearted person I’m sure you are, and everything will work itself out. Because “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Keep your chin up. This will all die down soon enough. It always does.

    Love,
    Josh

    Josh has harsher words for Heidi’s mother. »

  3. Meatloaf and potatoes

    The 12-Year-Old Donut Critic Attacks Cafeteria Food

    Editor Nick here. I found the 12-year-old who wrote the famous “Plain donuts are fake” essay, and I’ve hired her to write a column, via her super-cool-about-this mother.

    This post is not a joke, this is truly and actually Evelyn C., author of “The Fake Donut”.

    Evelyn vs Cafeteria Food

    Meatloaf photo by Sarah Wu, “Fed Up With Lunch”

  4. Blake Boston with Annoying Facebook Girl

    Scumbag Steve’s Advice for Annoying Facebook Girl

    This is really, truly, actually Blake Boston, the guy from Scumbag Steve. After many emails, I met him in person at a Slacktory-sponsored Halloween party this year. I asked him to write a letter of advice to Jess, the girl who may have just discovered she’s Annoying Facebook Girl. I lightly edited it for grammar at his request.

    Blake is wonderfully introspective about the emotions of this specifically modern situation. He’s… he’s an actual advice meme.

    Dear Annoying Facebook Girl, it’s me Blake. You may know me as Scumbag Steve. Or not, if you’re not on the internet much.

    I heard you just found out that your pics been all over the internet. Shocking huh? Google yourself, but have a friend with you for support.

    Steve’s advice: Make your peace with this, because it’s not going away. »

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