The massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary has pundits on both sides talking about gun laws. Kang screams about limiting availability of guns because they lead to horrible, awful tragedies like this one; Kodos rages about how owning more guns is the only way to stop tragic, awful horrors like this one. And no law gets passed in either direction.
So I—like the feeble arts-college kid I am—thought, instead of having to draft something that gets picked apart by legal experts, why not write a script for potential gun buyers and sellers to follow? You know, just like in telemarketing.
Shop Owner: Hey, good afternoon!
Consumer: Hi there. I’d like to buy a gun please.
Shop Owner: What were you interested in? Handgun? Rifle? Shotgun?
Shop Owner: Maybe something a bit more, er, exotic?
Consumer: No no, I think a simple handgun will do.
Shop Owner: Do you have an idea of what you’d be using it for?
Consumer: Oh, “home defense”, of course.
Shop Owner: *while loading 9mm Glock* Well this is the one they give to most police officers. It’s small but has enough stopping power to get the point across, if you know what I mean.
Consumer: Haha, yeah I think I catch your drift.
Shop Owner: So you’re decided?
Consumer: Yup! Looks good!
Shop Owner: *fires gun into consumers leg*
Read the rest of the exchange. »
That’s him sandwiched by Santorum (heh):
Which is really just a great set-up for this exchange on Reddit’s /r/4chan:
Rick Santorum has b/tard’s lurking in the ranks. No wonder he didn’t get far.
He probably saw all the “nigger” and “faggot” talk and hired them on the spot.
Happy election day! There don’t seem to be many people trying to advise you how to vote today. So we’ll fix that with our national voting guide! Here are our endorsements:
The Actual Lord Satan Himself for Some Circuit Judge Position, He’s Unopposed So You May as Well Vote for a Winner
Captain Queefheart for City Drag-person of Indeterminate Gender Identification
Elizabeth Warren for Friend Who Thinks You Should Watch Homeland and You Know She Was Right About The Wire and Louie So Just Sit Down With Some Hulu This Weekend
Sammison Jamjar for Dog-catcher Catcher
Shia LaBeouf for Verizon “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy
Bob Bob for Company Man (American American Party ticket)
Alison Gallison for Frequently Misspelled Name
Ron Paul for Hahaha No, But What If Really, Wouldn’t That Be Random
Photo from Village Soup
Everyone loved my texts from Mitt Romney in September, but no one told me how to make him stop. Even when I had no cell signal after the hurricane, Mitt somehow kept reaching me. Here they are. I really hope he doesn’t get elected, or he’ll keep talking to me.
On foreign policy, I was impressed that both candidates knew about the attack on our embassy. This is an important issue for me, as I consider myself a bit of an expert on Liberia.
— “An Undecided Voter Watches the Vice-Presidential Debate” by Get Your War On‘s David Rees
Watch this homophobic one-man music video that says Barack Obama is gay and promotes Mitt Romney with an extended train metaphor! It’s available in high-res 1080p because quality.
This is the 273rd video by William Tapley, “also known as the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse, and the Co-Prophet of the End Times.” I sincerely hope this man has children and grandchildren that are, like, normal people, and that they’re fully aware of Dad’s hobby. And that Dad believes his arthritis is a punishment from God.
Copyright © 2013 My Damn Channel, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Designed in collaboration with Wondersauce.