We all know the winners will be the ones with the most money. Why do we bother watching them compete?
Posts Tagged sports
I’m no stranger to attending a party or two when Super Bowl Sunday rolls around, sometimes even when specifically invited. I’d like to share some essential pointers for pigskin party-goers that I use each year. Allow me to allow YOU to have the best time possible at the party no matter what team you’re rooting for (I usually say the Wisconsin Wieners, but then again, I’m the office cut-up, so…)
First: note where the host’s belfry is. It is most likely the room with the highest population of bats, and you’d be very wise to steer clear of it.
If there are women at the party, be kind and courteous and ask them if they’d care to “have the next waltz.” Don’t be a sucker and miss your chance for a smooch after the big Charleston contest they’re sure to hold during half-time!
The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.
When I heard they were making a real NHL team based on The Mighty Ducks, I got really excited. I totally thought this was going to change everything, like how Happy Gilmore changed the sport of golf — only in real life and with hockey instead. I thought the NHL would become more fun and sarcastic and like, I don’t know, demographically diverse I guess.
But the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim are just like any other boring NHL team. They don’t ever quack to get themselves pumped up, there seems to be little to no focus on the patented triple deke technique, and they have yet to ever skate in a flying V formation.
The Olympics are done! The Spice Girls ended them. Here’s what got left out in this year’s Olympics, or at least deleted by NBC:
- Synchronized drowning
- Representation for up-and-coming metals such as zinc, gallium, and bismuth
- Topless beach volleyball (men’s)
- Discus and shot-put renamed “people making hilarious faces, and also throwing things at a very high level of athleticism”
- Pole-vaulters held accountable to the same stringent landing penalties as gymnasts
- Usain Bolt on a rocket sled
- Curiosity wins gold in long jump
- Women’s and Men’s 500-meter loiter
- Silver medalists filling out job applications to Home Depot
- Combined shooting and fencing event called Ye Olde Warfare
- Detailed explanation of why anyone still plays badminton
- Video footage of NBC firing itself, set to the national anthem of Tajikistan, which took home a single bronze medal in women’s boxing
- Several-yard dash
Photo via Chess-Theory
I never read Progressive Boink until last week, and thus never knew that it’s like the Something Awful of sports. Just really amazing wit going on there. And so they wrote about this GIF, which is the “Last Supper” of GIFs.
I think my personal favorite isn’t even the guy who caught the ball, though in any other GIF, including the guy-throwing-clothes-against-the-wall GIF, that guy would be the best. My personal favorite is the old guy above him with the mashed-potatoes body, going “Fuuuuck you. Fuuuuck you.” Because you can see his tone of voice. Jesus.
Former NFL linebacker Junior Seau died yesterday, apparently a suicide. Twitter made jokes. Well, Twitter made a joke. And it was just a few awful people. Whom we are now commemorating.
Slacktory’s very professional reporter is back, and this time she’s pretty sure she got all the details right. She talks about the recent space shuttle disaster, before throwing to Zach Footbat for sports.